this journey known as my life

Hunger

2012-01-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

I hunger for another journey. Another life to hold for a brief time. Another year to feel the wonder of a child growing strong. Another chance to watch the face of hope change into the face of joy and dreams fulfilled.
I question this hunger. I wonder why I feel this need to bear another woman's child. I wonder why it brings me such reward. I wonder why I want to spend my time, my strength, my resources and ask the support of my family yet again.
And then I think of the twins. I think of Isabella. I look at their families. I see faces wih big smiles. I see FAMILIES. I see love.
I know that each human being is put on this earth to lift up, help, and love everybody else. I know that the greatest joy i have i this life is in my children and in my role as their mother These are two of the very few things I know with certainty.
I know that through surrogacy, I fulfill my mission on earth and do what I am meant to do.
Why do I question this hunger?
I don't know.
Maybe it is my purpose here. Maybe it is the way I am meant to be fed in this life.
Either way, I am hungry.

I am just a vehicle

2011-06-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

After two surrogacy journeys, one would think I would have a total understanding of my role in this amazing process. However, tonight, as I looked at a picture of my newest surrobaby, I had a small revelation.
A few weeks ago, I visited my surrotwins. I am a stranger to them. Today, I looked at Isabella. She would not know me from a stranger. When I was pregnant with the twins, I had this idea that my surrobabies would always hold some kind of subconscious memory of me, that they would always know me. But I was wrong.
Today, as I looked at this precious child playing on a blanket, I realize that I played a very specific role in all of their lives, and although I am so very blessed to be able to keep in touch with them as a friend( and I love and appreciate their families beyond words for this), the role as their surrogate mother ended, and I realize exactly what my role was- I was just a vehicle.
Imagine if you will:
You are at your home in Texas. You receive a phone call, and find out that your mother in California is very ill. You have to go to her- now. You go to the airport. You see that there are several planes getting ready to fly to California- but they are all full. You stop at each check-in counter to see if anyone will take you. You explain the dire need of getting to your mom today. Everyone says "no." Finally, one airplane makes room for you. That airplane takes you to California- right to your mother's door. You are safe and sound, with your mother.
How grateful are you for that airplane? That airplane just took you home. That airplane just bridged a gap that was unreachable without it. In that moment, the airplane was your salvation, the only hope you had of reaching home. But, a month later, it is just an airplane.
My point: I am just a vehicle. I am a means to an end. People always wonder why surrogates can "give up" the babies they carry. This is the answer. When I carry my children, I am their home, and after that, I am still their home and they are mine. When I carry another woman's child, I am just a vehicle. I am just taking them where they need to be because the plane they were intended to come in on is broken down.
I am just a vehicle. And not just any run of the mill economy size sedan either. I am a top of the line, luxury model SUV ( I would have liked to be a sports car, but all my passengers wouldn't fit ;)
And if you think I am demeaning surrogacy or myself, just ask yourself- what would you do without that vehicle?

What a difficult post to write

2011-05-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

This post is so hard to write. My eyes fill with tears as I write it. And it is such a silly thing. The moment I write this post, I move on from my journey to bring Isabella here. The moment I post this entry, she moves down the list. The moment I move on, the amazing and beautiful adventure of bringing her here falls into the realm of the surreal, the past, the completed.
Life has gone back to normal. I find joy in my children, in my husband, in my family, and in my home. I can run again. I can bend again. I can lay down with my son on his bed and be able to get back up. I can curl up and snuggle in my husband's lap.

Some days, I don't even think of Isabella. Some days, it seems like a distant dream. Some days though, it is so real I can't believe it's really over.
Some days, someone at work asks me how my baby is.
Some days, someone asks me if I'm pregnant.
Some days, someone asks if I ever see her.
Some days, I realize that three short months ago I delivered a baby.
I am grateful for my life. For my children. My husband. This world that I have worked so hard to build. This is my happiness and my joy. This is the life I always wanted. The life that I have fought for. The life that I thank God for every day.

This is what we all deserve- to live the life we want.

Whenever I say I wish I had made a better choice, or I could have done something differently in my life, my husband tells me that he doesn't. He reminds me that every choice, every happiness, every sorrow, led me to him. And I know this is true. Without every choice I have made, I would never have found him. And I know that with him is where I am meant to be.
Whenever I question the choices that led me to becoming a mother at eighteen, I remind myself that each of my children came from that choice. And I know that with them is where I am meant to be.
When I think about being a surrogate, I feel the same way. It is what I am meant to be. It is in my life plan. Just as I am a wife. Just as I am a mother. I am a surrogate. And no matter what comes in my future, it will still be a part of my soul.

It is the life I want to live.

Our journey: From beginning to end (in video)

2011-03-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Our birth story- As told by me, the surrogate

2011-03-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

I will forewarn you that this is only my perspective on the event. And while I can tell you better than anyone else the physical aspects of Isabella's arrival, I did not have a good vantage point of the emotions of everyone else involved. I will tell you this story to the best of my ability, however, please realize that there will be times I stop to cry, times I stop to think, and times I stop to try to remember what exactly happened. This journey for me will end just as soon as I finish writing this, so realize how costly it is for me to write.

Last Tuesday, at the end of another uneventful prenatal appointment, my IPs (Isabella's parents) bore a look of desperation and anxiety on their faces. My doctor and I looked at them, he had pity and offered Friday as an induction date, and I, as opposed to inducing as I had been, looked at their faces and agreed. I could not stand to see them waiting any longer, and, as a wise friend said, this is their pregnancy and their child, and what I do is for them. So we set the date, and amidst tears, Isabella's parents and abuelita drove home, yet again, with an empty car seat.

Our last pic 39 weeks

On Friday morning, I woke up and got ready for my short hospital stay. My husband kissed me as he headed off to work, and I read the "good luck mommy" message from my daughter (and here you will notice I am already tearing up). I sent her back an "I love you baby" message, and swallowed the fear that comes with the inherent risk of delivering a child and the momentary bit of anxiety at the thought of not being here for my children ever again.
I picked up my mom (how could she miss my fifth delivery?), and headed to the hospital.
We arrived just late enough that we missed my doctor's 7:00 am visit, but we settled in and started monitoring the baby and learned that we had dilated to a 3 all on our own.

By 8:00 am my doctor had come back to tell me I was late ;) We started the pitocin and he broke my water. That was fun. Needless to say, I lost my socks in the flood. This was the part of the day where I was still in a good mood, talking and joking with my mom and Isabella's mom and abuela (her father only stuck his head in the room periodically- he apparently does not do well with blood, gore, or pain).

By 10:00, we were dilated between a 6 and a 7. My doctor told me he would be back at noon and he wanted me delivering then (he said this jokingly, but he was serious). I told him that was my plan as well. Just as a sidenote: My doctor knows how quickly I deliver babies and that I have a rockstar uterus. My husband arrived somewhere around here.

For the next hour, I tried to get as comfortable as I could with two tentacle-like cords (one to monitor contractions and one to monitor baby's heart rate) hanging from me, an IV in my left hand making it completely useless, and a blood pressure cuff that cut circulation off of my right hand every too-many minutes. This was the part of the day where I was cranky, hurting, and mean. I held my husband's hand. I was, for the first time in my life, reaching for my husband to comfort me instead of my mother. This was my ray of happiness through the dark clouds of my misery.

By 11:00, I was in PAIN. Every contraction felt like death, and I knew there was no way I was going to survive this level of pain until 12:00. In the meantime, I heard crying. My IM was in tears. She was crying because I was suffering for her- because this should have been her pain. Had I not been in excrutiating pain, I would have told her that it would be fine, that this was my part, that it was okay (I would have been lying, but I would have said it anyway. I figure there has to be one upside to not being able to carry your own child).

When I told my mom, "something is coming out," I do remember looking up out of my pain induced fog to see my IM RUNNING out of the room. It would have been funny, had I not been in agony.

The nurse came in and said, "we are complete" (meaning dilated to a 10 and completely effaced- "complete" meaning it is time to push) just as I started pushing. Um... okay, so the agony had actually been the baby dropping from my ribs all the way down to the exit. Of course it felt like death!

There was no time to wait for the doctor, seeing as how my body decided it was pushing right away. I remember the nurses throwing down the groundcovers, leg covers, and making a spectacle. I just remember thinking, "it will end soon". I started pushing, well, my body started pushing and I was going to help it along. I remember the nurse counting with me and I realized that my doctor hadn't quite gotten the message in time. Two pushes in, I heard my doctor's voice. He counted with me through the next few pushes. Then, he told me to stop. Hahahaha, no. A few more pushes, and I felt her come out. I looked up to see her mother standing beside me, Isabella in the doctor's arms, and the pain disappear.

At that point, I left my isolated world of delivery and let the rest of the room back into focus. The doctor cut the cord, wrapped Isabella in a blanket, and placed her in her mother's arms. I looked to my left and my husband kissed my head and said, "good job." He went to get Isabella's father to come in. I looked to my right, and I saw a family circled around their newborn daughter. Her mother turned and brought her over to me. She held her beside me and I was able to touch her round, chubby cheek. She was perfect.

They took her over to the scale and my precious surrobaby weighed in at a whopping 9.8 pounds! No wonder it hurt so badly to get her out.

Isabella was born at 11:26 am. Start to finish: 3 hours, 26 minutes. No pain meds, no tearing, no surgery. I am amazed and grateful.

We all stayed in the room for a while longer. I got to touch her gooey black curls, rub her skin under my fingers, hold her long baby fingers in my hand, and feel her warmth. More importantly, I got to close my eyes and listen as her parents cooed to her, spoke to her softly in Spanish, and cried tears of joy.

I had kept my promise to her mother- there were only "happy tears."

Later, I learned that they called my doctor to come to the hospital just as I started pushing. A moment later they called and told him to run. He did. And he made it in the nick of time.

Later, I learned that Isabella's father had walked all the way down the hallway because he heard her me yelling, "get her out of me!" and it had scared him.

Later, I learned that the reason the doctor told me to stop pushing was because the cord had wrapped around her neck.

Later, I learned that her mother cried the entire time I was pushing.

Isabella and I both left the hospital the next day. In the interim, I was able to hold her, to watch my children gaze upon her, to let my daughter rock her, to watch my husband coo to her. I was able to look at her ten long toes, to run my fingers through her perfect black mohawk, and to watch her parents change her and feed her together because neither one wanted to let her go. I was able to watch her parents become parents. I was able to see their hope become their reality.

Before I left, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.

Before I left, I embraced her parents and told them I would not cry.

Before I left, I did not cry.

Saturday afternoon, when I was home, I received a text message. It was from Isabella's mother. It read something like this: "I left the hospital today in a wheelchair. This time, with a living child in my arms."
My IM drove home with an occupied car seat.

I cried.

And now, I try to look back on the last few days. I know I have left out important things. I know that my memory of events is cloudy and incorrect. But I know that what happened was a miracle and that my role in this child's life was meant to be.

I look back over the last year I have known Isabella's family. We set a goal. We would replace the sorrow of my IPs losing their first born child with a living child. We would replace the tears of grief with happy tears. These were our goals.

My IPs have a living child.

My IPs have only happy tears.

My mission is accomplished.

My goal is reached.

My journey has ended.

But Isabella and her family are just beginning theirs...

The Day After

2011-02-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, at 8:00 am, we induced labor with Isabella. At 11:26am, she was born into the arms of my doctor who had run in the door just in time. Her mother and grandmother watched her arrival, and stood by my side as the doctor cut the cord and wiped her face. She was placed into the arms of her mother as her father came in the room. There were mere moments between her exit from the warmth of my womb until her placement into the loving arms of her mother. I watched her mother and father hold her, somehow together, as the tears flowed down their cheeks. My heart almost burst with the beauty I had been priveleged to see. Isabella, their living miracle, is nine pounds, eight ounces of perfect, chubby, pink baby. She is the answer to prayer. She is the doorway to happiness. She is beautiful and has the awesomest black mohawk I have ever seen ;)
I held her today, and told her I loved her, and kissed her forehead. I left her where she belongs, and came home to my children where I belong.

I am overwrought with emotion today. My hormones are changing, my uterus is cramping, and my organs are trying to figure out where they should be. I feel good. I am waiting for the milk to come in so I can enjoy a few days of smelling like cabbage and stuffing my bra with frozen peas (it is totally fun).

I am as happy as can be. Isabella is perfect. She is in the arms of her family

I am home with my family. Isabella is with her family. My heart is full of love. My mind is full of peace. A living miracle has arrived on the earth- what greater cause to rejoice could there be?

Tomorrow

2011-02-24T15:06:00.000-08:00

Isabella will be born tomorrow. The only word that comes to mind is: bittersweet.

Sweet because my goal to bring her parents' dream to reality will be reached. Sweet because her parents will hold their living miracle in her arms. Sweet because I will have fulfilled my promise to her mother that she will only cry "happy tears" from now on. Sweet because her big sister will be watching down from Heaven and know her parents are finally happy. Sweet because I will get to see the beauty of a family grow.

Bitter because my part in this journey is over. Bitter because I have fallen in love with this child and her family. Bitter because I love, love, love surrogacy and it is ending.

Tomorrow is the day. I will smile, and I will be brave. I will complete this journey with a heart full of love, the same way I began it.

Isn't it ironic?

2011-02-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

I want this baby out, out, out! My back hurts and I am craaanky and everyone keeps laughing at me walking (or, as they so kindly put it, waddling) and asking how much longer (because I am just soo huge they can't believe she is still in there). She goes all the way up to the bottom of my bra and I can't even reach the table- I mostly hold my plate under my face. Her parents are ready and waiting, waiting, waiting... So what is the irony you may ask?
As soon as she is out, I will have crazy hormones, a pudgy belly (with no baby to stretch it out and make it look cute), and these crazy hormones will tell me that I want to be pregnant again.
What kind of evil is it to make a woman forget the miseries of pregnancy and child birth so quickly after delivery? I tell you, God knew we would never produce more than one child if we didn't forget the pain and misery that accompanies it!
In all reality, I will miss the journey, the experience, the miracle, the beauty, and the joy these last ten months have brought me. I remember the intrigue in meeting my IPs (the baby's parents). I remember how much I wanted to help them have a child. I remember the hope we felt at transfer. I remember the excitement we felt waiting for that first ultrasound. I remember watching her grow as the weeks went by. I remember watching her parents' anxiety turn to happiness as she crossed the 30 week mark. I remember her mother kissing her hand and placing it against my belly at every appointment we have been to. I remember the teddy bear her parents bought her that speaks to her with their voices. I remember the love. I remember the first time I saw her mother have "happy" tears. And the second. And the third. I remember every moment of this miracle we call Isabella.
Now, I just wait for her birth. I wait until she is ready to meet her parents and leave my life to fulfill their dreams. And I will remember every moment we have left.
For when my journey ends, hers and her parents journey begins... and that, my friends, is why I carry this child.
I have been blessed to be a mother, and the journey of raising my children is the greatest journey, the greatest experience I will ever know. To be able to help another woman know that joy and take this journey is the second greatest thing I will ever do in my life.

Full term baby!

2011-02-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

Here I sit at 37 weeks pregnant. My back is caved in, my ankles have started to swell, I have weird red bumps on my calves, my skin is dry, and I am tired and uncomfortable. However, these are all minor details that prove to me that the world is exactly as it should be. I am pregnant still. Isabella is healthy and perfect. She has remained in the safe, warm coccoon of my womb long enough that I have no fear of her being born now. I know I have taken good care of her. I know her parents have prepared and are completely ready (beyond ready I think) to welcome her home. Every day now she is growing fatter and stronger. Who knows, maybe I will deliver another nine pound baby!
I am ready for her to be here. I am ready for my body to return to me. I am ready to be able to snuggle in my husband's lap without feeling like a beached whale that can't get comfortable. I am ready for the moment when I will see her in her mother's arms for the first time (this is the moment that makes surrogacy beautiful- this is the moment that explains why I do it). I am ready for her to join her family. The only thing I am not ready for is to lose the beauty of this journey, the joy and the happiness it has brought to my life, and the wonderful friends I have found in Isabella's family. But mostly, I want her butt out of my ribs ;)
So, we wait.
We watch my belly grow and this baby thrive.
We wait on Isabella to decide it is time to be born.
And we wait... tap, tap, tap.....
impatiently, we wait... tap, tap tap...

36 weeks belly

5 weeks left!

2011-01-31T15:47:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how fast time flies. Or maybe it is amazing how time fills up with activities. Or maybe life just goes by quickly because it is just so darn good.
Isabella is due in five weeks- well, actually she is due in 4 weeks and 3 days (if my math is right).
She is growing just like she should. Her bottom is under the right side of my ribs, and when she pushes, I feel my ribs go "ow" and I have a numb feeling push down on my left leg. I think she is a little bit diagonal in there, but I am sure she will scoot down in time. Does that make sense?

Isabella and me at 34 weeks (I think... it is Jan 22nd)
Everything is wonderful. My children are healthy. Isabella is growing like she should. My husband is moving home in twelve days. I feel like I am making forward progress at work. My house, amazingly, is mostly clean. I have an amazing family. I am growing a miracle for another amazing family. What more can I say?

Let me think really hard.... hmm...
I guess I always come back to the same thought. I am carrying another woman's child. To me, this is just a normal part of my life. But when I tell people this, they look at me funny. I realize somewhere in my mind that this is not "normal" for most people.
I can understand this.
I can understand my friend's husband who thinks it is crazy.
I can understand the child who doesn't understand.
I can understand my sister saying "I could never do that".
I can understand my father not wanting to talk about it.
What I don't understand is the negativity, the judgement, and the rudeness with which so many people view surrogacy.
What I don't understand is the woman with six children telling me she could never "do that to my children".
What I don't understand is the church member who tells me it is wrong, but can't tell me why.
What I don't understand is the childless woman with no sister, no friend, no loved-one who will heal her broken heart.
What I don't understand is people asking, "why don't they just adopt?" (and I think, "well, why didn't YOU just adopt instead of having your own child?)
Surrogacy is a medical miracle. It is a gift from God.
Surrogacy is beautiful. Through surrogacy, I have extended my family to include two more. I have watched pain turn into joy. I have watched heartache turn into beauty. I have seen faith turn into life. I have seen hope turn into motherhood.
And I have learned- faith, hope, love, compassion, sacrifice, endurance, patience, and humility.
And I hope, somewhere in this journey, I have taught my children something about love.

Inspiration

2011-01-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

I rarely remember to read the comments left on my blog until my husband tells me about them, but I just read the comment from my last update, and within minutes this poem by Emily Dickinson started running through my head (yes, I am a geek).

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
or cool one pain

Or help one fainting robin
unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain.

My goal as a teacher, a surrogate, and -most importantly- as a mother is to change for the better just one life in this world. My fear is that I will fail. My hope is that I will succeed. I read this post and know how naive it sounds, but what good would life be if I allowed the cynnicism to cloud my every choice?
This is my dream, my inspiration, and I believe there is so much good in the world that it must be possible for one such as I to do some good work to "pay back" the world for all the blessings I enjoy.

The pineapple and me at 33 weeks

2011-01-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

Isabella is doing great! She is apparently the weight of a pineapple- of course, that is generic and I am sure she is bigger. She continues to wiggle and move as much as ever- I just feel each and every movement so strong now. At our appointment last week, my ob asked how things were going. I said, "well, my legs get tingly, I have to eat tums, I can't bend, and I still have stabbing pains in my sides."
He said, "you know those are all normal pregnancy symptoms."
I said, "yeah, but you asked ;)"

He reminded my IM that I am a great incubator and there is nothing to worry about.
I contemplated packing a hospital bag, but why tempt fate? I am holding out until 34 weeks, and then I will give in and pack. I definitely don't want to be left without a bag like I was last time. I also don't want to drive myself to the hospital again either, but we'll see.
I am enjoying this pregnancy so much- I think because it is not twins! Twins hurt. Isabella doesn't, usually. Her favorite times to wake up are at bedtime and 3:00 am. Jason will wake her up and "play" with her if he can't sleep. He apparently did this last weekend and I slept right through their playtime!  Her mother has told Jason she will call him when she wakes up at 3, thank you very much for training her to wake up then :)
I dream about Isabella being born very often, I think because I am so ready for her to be born.
I was thinking about her parents. The last time (and the only time) they had a daughter born, they were unable to enjoy her. They were faced with her eminent death even as they basked in their newfound parenthood. I remember how relieved I was when I saw each of my children- their screams, their hair, their toes, their healthy pink skin. I remember how afraid I was with the twins- that they were too early, that they would not cry. I remember the relief I felt when L cried, and then her brother. They were pink, they were breathing, they were whole.
I have never lost a child fresh from the womb. I have never felt the anguish of loss instead of the miracle of life. I have only seen the fruit of my labor grow and flourish. I have never seen one wither and die even as I bleed for my work in bringing them here.

My goal this entire journey has been to give Isabella's parents a LIVING miracle. Her sister was a miracle, but she was a gift that God wanted back home with him too soon.  For about a month, from 28 weeks to 32 weeks, I had not dreams of her birth, but nightmares of her birth. I was soo afraid of losing her, so afraid I would fail in bringing her parents their promised gift. Now, at 33 weeks, I feel safe. I feel we are in the "clear" and that I will not fail.
I anticipate her birth in a way I never have before.  I want to see her- pink, screaming, chubby, ten-toed, dark-haired, in the arms of her mother. The moment of my joy will not be the moment when she comes out screaming, but the moment that she is placed in her mother's arms- the moment I see a healthy, whole and perfect child in the arms of love. Can you imagine the vision of wholeness I will be privvy to? I cannot wait.

6 weeks, 5 days, and counting...

28 weeks already :)

2010-12-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

Well, in good news, we are having a very boring pregnancy! Isabella is growing strong, I am gaining weight like an athlete on steroids, and everything is normal. Isabella's parents came up on Friday for a 3D/4D ultrasound. I didn't know what made an ultrasound 4D until the tech explained that 3D was seeing the baby with color and "regular" shape, and 4D was the movement. So, her parents now have a video of her playing and pictures of her in color. What we know about Isabella now: She has a perfect button nose, beautiful lips, big eyes, all of her fingers, and some amount of hair on her head already. What we already knew, but enjoyed watching: She is a wiggle worm! When the ultrasound began, she was head down and by the time it ended, she was transverse (sideways) with her head buried in my hip. I had never seen a baby this big move around so quickly. She stopped moving for a few minutes, but the constant prodding of the ultrasound detector kept her moving in protest.

I enjoyed watching Isabella, but mostly I enjoyed watching her parents. I loved to see their faces when they recognized a part of her, or when they discussed whose lips she has. Everything that was cute and fascinating to me was miraculous to her parents. The best part of being a surrogate is being able to watch pregnancy become real and tangible to a family that didn't think they would get to be part of this process.

My Katie commented the other night that this pregnancy is going so much faster than the last one. I feel the same way. I, of course, just refer to my skinny ankles when asked how this pregnancy is going. Last night, for the first time this pregnancy, I went to turn to check behind me as I pulled out of the driveway and I couldn't- the belly is finally in the way.

I am enjoying this one little girl. I am enjoying getting to know her personality and smile at the thought of her keeping her parents up all night long, since she is a night owl. Jason has a habit of tapping on my belly, and she taps back. It is as if they have a game together and he is helping her practice for future pat-a-cake games with her dad. We are, after all, a surrogate family.

My kids don't always love that I do this, but sometimes they say such awesome things, and I know that they see the goodness of their contribution to another family. I talked to my boys for the first time last week about Emma, Isabella's big sister. They are so wise in their innocence, and understand what a loss her parents feel, and how special it is that Isabella will always have big sister watching over her. We are able to not only help give a child to a family, but at the same time we are able to gain understanding and appreciation for the many blessing that we have.

I am always so excited to reach the end of our journey so that my IPs will have their child in their arms. But after my last journey, I know that the end is bittersweet. Sweet in these parents holding a healthy, living child in their arms. Bitter in the end of such an amazing and beautiful experience. I cannot even describe my joy at having such amazing IPs, both my last IPs and my current IPs. I have friends who have never heard back on how their surro children are doing. I am in contact with my surrotwins and their awesome family, and I have such involved IPs now, and it is truly a blessing to my family.
I have 12 more weeks scheduled with Isabella. I am going to grow her as strong and healthy as I am able. And when she decides to make her debut, I will be so content, so happy, and so appreciative of the amazing parents who will be by my side, ready to welcome her with open arms.

Rutabegas, not children, for Thanksgiving

2010-11-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

So, nobody really knows what a rutabega is, I mean come on! But that is what Babycenter has decided to compare Isabella to at 25 weeks. She is about 1 1/2 pounds now, which is roughly the weight of a rutabega. She is growing so quickly, but I think she seems so small. I pulled up a picture of me pregnant with the twins at 24 weeks and am going to compare it to the one I took a week ago at 24 weeks- and then you will see why I feel so small!

Isabella at 24 wks

Twins at 24 wks

I feel wonderful, aside from some heartburn and an inability to bend, my body is doing well (I think it is just praising me for not putting in twins again ;). The crazy pregnant lady hormones are out in full swing, but I can live with those. Isabella is still moving and happy, or so I always imagine her to be. She is so easy to get along with and so peaceful. I hope she stays this way for her parents.
Last Tuesday my surrotwins turned one. Their mother had sent me a picture of them from Halloween (they were Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Dr. Seuss) and they are beautiful. I think they grow cuter every day, and they have such charming smiles. Sometimes, I have amazing surrogate moments. For example, I kept thinking their birthday was on the 19th, and I finally had to ask Jason what the date of their birth actually was! Obviously, that is information that moms keep track of, so it was just another reminder of how completely I am their not-mother. I look at those children the same way I look at all babies I love, and I wonder that they grew inside of me for nine months. I wonder at the miracle of God that He saw fit to allow me to carry children and never doubt who they belong to.
Yesterday, my children left for a Thanksgiving trip with their father. I was sad all week leading up to their departure, and I feel like a piece of me is gone. Divorce is such an evil beast, but sometimes necessary and sometimes it brings good. One of the ironic good things it has brought is that my love for my children is so strong. So many parents wish for a "break" from their kids. Well, I get mandatory breaks from my kids, and I realize every time they leave how very much I love them, how very much they are a part of my heart, and how very devastated I would be without them. I am sure the pregnancy hormones don't help at all, but I just miss them. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I will enjoy the blessings I have, and praise God that He has given me my children. So, even though I won't have them on this certain date, I have them in my life.
My greatest blessing is that I am a mother. I can never pay back the gratitude I feel to God for this gift. All I can do is pay it forward, and help other women becomes mothers as well.
My husband is coming home. He just drove all around town looking for the movie we wanted to watch. I will climb in his lap (and enjoy the last few weeks I fit) and he will hold me. When my children are gone, I still have his warmth to remind me that I am not alone- even if it otherwise just me and the rutabega.

A mango, two dogs, and three monkeys

2010-11-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

Isabella is a mango this week. Well, obviously she really isn't a mango, but she is roughly the weight of one ( 1 pound) according to babycenter.com. Every week, I get an update comparing her to some kind of fruit or vegetable. Then, her mother and I can talk about her "little mango". Isabella is a wiggly, tumbly, bouncy little girl. I love it when I am at work teaching, or sitting in a meeting, and I feel a "bump", "Thump", "BAM" in my belly. I love to know that she is thriving and playing and happy. I am gaining weight like mad this pregnancy. 6 pounds last month, and 5 each month before. That puts me up at least 20 pounds so far- and we are barely past the halfway mark. So, 23 weeks and counting... this pregnancy is going so well that I often forget she is in here- until she wakes up and starts to play :)
Two dogs are currently racing around my house trying to prove their dominance over each other. Whisper is here for the week, so our (very new and very young and very hyperactive) dog Charlie-the-crazy-border-collie has a cohort to wreak havoc on my home with. They both drive me nuts, but they entertain the children, which brings me to...
My three precious monkeys. I don't know if it is pregnancy-induced hormones, or just me, but the kids were with their father the last two weekends, and both weekends, I just wanted to cry. It has always been so easy to have those mom moments where I am screaming in my head, "I need a break!", but now that I have spent so many weekends and summer weeks alone without my children, those moments always come with a grain of salt. I realize now how fleeting my time with my children is. I never know how much longer I will have them, how much longer God's grace will allow me to be so blessed, or how quickly the remaining years of their childhood will fly by.
They are growing up so fast, so smart, so talented, so beautiful. I look at them sometimes and just think, "of all the things I could have done in this life, I chose this." And I look at the chaos of my home, and I listen to them screeching and hollering and squealing, and I smell popcorn that nobody is watching burn in the microwave, and I think about all the places they need to go tomorrow and the things that must be done by week's end, and I realize, "this is exactly what I was meant to do; this is exactly who I was meant to be."
I cannot imagine my life without them. I do not hide from them that Katie was nearly here when I married her father, or that I think getting pregnant at eighteen is a very bad idea. But, I tell them, with all honesty, that I chose to be a mother the day I chose to keep her. I tell them that I did want other things and I did have other plans, but that I wanted to be their mom waaayyy more than I wanted any of those other things. I tell them I had made a deal with Heavenly Father when I was a little girl that if I could only do one thing on this Earth, I wanted to be a mom. And I know with Katie's coming, He was holding me to my end of our deal. And He has held true to His. I have my children. Every day, I see them grow. Every night, I kiss them goodnight. Every moment of my life, I am a mother.
So, when people look at my surrogacy journeys as a sign that I am totally insane, I am flabbergasted. I was given the miracle of being a mom. I was given the gift to be able to carry a child safely into this world. I would choose being a mother- in fact, I did, choose to be a mother- over anything else. So, my question, really, to those women who look at me like I am nuts is, "how could you not?" How could you not want to help another woman know the joy that you get every day?
Really, am I the one who is crazy? Or am I the one with compassion, with courage, with love in my heart?
Most of the people I talk to about surrogacy say, "Oh, I could do that for my sister, or my best friend, but not for a stranger." Well, I happen to believe that God created all of us and we are brothers and sisters. So, you know what, I am doing this for my sister. I am doing this for another child of God, another woman who wants to be a mother just as desperately as I did.
I sit here with a mango-baby in my belly, two dogs running amuck, and three children eating a bedtime snack. It is probably chaos. It is probably too noisy for any of these thoughts I am having to be coherent. But, I am smiling through my tears of gratitude. I am humbled that I have such great blessings. I am humbled by the grace of God that allows me such joy.

Growing Isabella

2010-10-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

When we were 12 weeks into this pregnancy, we had a high tech ultrasound to check the baby and make sure that the baby was growing normally, and to ensure that this baby had no birth defects looming in the future or any developmental problems.  For a couple who has been through so many trials and so much pain, this was very important. I was just excited to see the baby on a fancy monitor!
Everything with the ultrasound went smoothly. The baby was moving around a lot for being so tiny. We were totally unprepared for the doctor to ask A if she wanted to know the baby's gender. She said yes. He said, "Give me two name." A said, "Isabella" and "Mateo". The doctor said, "Mateo is a beautiful name-" and A interrupted, "It's a boy?!", and I interrupted, "I knew it!".  And the doctor smiled and finished, "Mateo is a beautiful name, but you will have to save it for later, this is Isabella." And A started to cry. Her mother, who was in with us, started to cry. And I, well, I was surprised that I was wrong (haha, I had thought it was a boy!).
For this appointment, A's parents were up visiting from Mexico. I had met her mother before, but not her father. Her mother was as sweet as always. She told me how wonderful I was, how young I looked, and other words of kindness. She told me how happy she was that I was doing this for her daughter. She is a beautiful lady who carries herself so well and speaks so kindly, I see her so much in her daughter, and it makes me love her too. At this visit, A's father said to me something to the effect of how much he appreciated what I was doing for his family, how much it meant to his daughter, and more. He did not say many words, and my lack of ability in speaking Spanish made it impossible to respond with anything at all meaningful after he just poured out his soul, but the intent of his words, the love behind his words, and the raw emotion I saw in his face will never leave my mind. His words touched me so much, I hope that he understands how much those words mean to me. I hope one day I will be able to find the words in his language to tell him that it honors me to bring his grandchild here. That it honors me that his daughter and son-in-law chose me. That it honors me to share this miracle with them.

After our appointment, and in thinking about it, I realized that it might be important to A and H to have a little girl since the child they lost was a girl I don't know, but it just feels right that they will have another daughter. I know that she will carry a piece of her sister's spirit with her back to Earth, and that her sister will always be watching over her. This touches my heart, and I know that E is watching to make sure I take good care of her little sister.
In the meantime, I will be here growing Isabella for her waiting family. Grow strong Isabella, grow strong.

Drugs suck even worse the second time around

2010-10-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

In May we started drugs. Estrace, nine gadzillion other kinds of drugs, and, pills, pills, pills... And then by June we had moved on to the fun stuff, namely progesterone and shots, needles, ouch. Apparently my body remembered the needles because it bruised up right away, and I bled on a very regular basis when I gave myself shots. I mostly think this is because (TMI warning) I have so many spider veins- maybe varicose veins- in my butt and thighs after having the twins. Whatever the reason, my body was much wiser this time and let me know those needles were unwelcome!
We had an amazingly quick cycle, everything went really well, and in the middle of June (yes, it would be awesome if I remembered this stuff, I do remember it was a Tuesday ;), we transferred two beautiful embryos. A, my IM (the baby's mama), was able to go in with me while we went through the super fun procedure.
I stayed with A and H the night after transfer. A made food, and we sat around talking and getting to know each other. She made wonderful food, and I was able to look at pictures of their families. I was able to see pictures of their daughter, and I determined in that moment that they would have a living child. I looked at the refrigerator door, which contained pictures of when they were happy. H said that the pictures were there to remind A of happiness, and that they would have happiness again. And in that moment, I determined that A would only cry happy tears. And that is my goal.
I peed every day during the two week wait, watching the line grow darker and darker. A & H (mom and dad) didn't want to know what the pee tests said, so I just took a picture of the one that said "pregnant" and waited until beta day (the real blood test).
Once we had positive numbers from the doctor, I sent A the picture that said "positive" because seeing the word is soo much better than hearing "242", right?
Our numbers were about the same as they were with the twins, so I was terrified that I would be carrying another set of twins, A was overjoyed at the thought of twins, but I trusted that God would do what was right.
At 6 weeks, we had an ultrasound and saw one perfect little bean growing in one perfect little sac and heard one perfect little heartbeat. I knew that A and H had wanted twins, so I felt bad at my relief to only have one, but I was still happy and they were too- for one is so much safer to carry, and they have had too much risk in becoming parents so far.
A cried, and I smiled. For her, tears are a sign of joy. For me, her tears are a sign that all is well. So far, I have only seen happy tears.

How I met her parents

2010-10-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have been able to write in my blog about surrogacy- well, specifically, that I am in the middle of another journey!
After I delivered the twins, I was not only overjoyed at their safe journey to life, but, honestly, I was sad that it had ended. As a surrogate, there is so much time and concern invested in carrying another family's child to their arms. It is a blessing, a calling, and a privelege. Within a month of their birth, I knew that I would do another journey.
Luckily, I am married to an amazing man. When I said to Jason, "I want to do another surrogacy," he didn't say no, or let's wait, or tell me I was off my nut. He simple said, "I know, and I want you to." It is the most amazing feeling to know that I have a husband who loves me, understands me, and not only sees my dreams, but is willing to support me and love me as I strive to fulfill them. Without him supporting me, I would never be able to be and do all that I want to. With him in agreement, I was off...
It was the end of January when I walked into the restaurant. I was certain that I wouldn't like these people, certain that nothing could go as well as it did with my first journey, and certain that it would take much more time and many more such meeting before I could find a couple that I would be comfortable working with.
I knew that I would trust my gut, and when I walked into the room with Jason, I saw a beautiful couple looking hopefully and expectantly at me. We had a wonderful conversation and talked for much longer than I thought seemed reasonable.
I learned that their daughter, whose name is precious to me, died the day she was born of complications that nobody realized existed until she was already here. I watched as this woman's eyes filled with tears as she began to tell me the story- realizing belatedly that I had asked the wrong question. I asked her to stop; I did not want to bring up pain on a day that should have been about hope. I remember her face as she said, "no, I am fine" and continued to tell me the story. As I remember her telling me about her child, I remember her pain, but mostly I remember the love for her child, her determination to have a living child, and her hope for the future- to bring her child a little sibling.
As we drove to the hotel, I told Jason, "It shouldn't be this easy." And he knew what I meant. I did not expect to find another couple to work with so quickly, but this couple had won my heart. Instead of despair, they held a memory. Instead of fear, hope. Instead of grief, action. Instead of sorrow, promised joy. They were perfect for me, and I know they will be amazing parents.
Within an hour, I had called to say, "If they will have me, I am in!"
And, fortuitously, they decided that they were in too, and here we are.

I am overcome with joy

2010-10-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

For some reason, maybe just crazy hormones, I am full of such strong emotion. For the first time in so long, I am able to write- to feel- to just be at peace.
Now, of course, I don't have much time to enjoy this feeling, but for now, I just need to let it out.
The laundry is almost done, the children are outside playing, and I have just cleaned off the counter which has been piled up with junk for months. Whew... and I feel great.
And now it is time to make dinner and carry on with the rest of the day.
And sometimes I get stressed out about life. About the laundry not being done. About the kids fighting. About never being caught up at work. About wanting my husband to be happy and instead always giving him more to do. About making my kids happy and giving them everything I had and everything I never had. And then I get overwhelmed.
But right now, I can see the joy. I HAVE a husband. I HAVE three amazing children. I HAVE a home (even though I hate it). I HAVE everything I have ever wanted.
And just for a moment, I am going to sit here, overcome with joy before the crazy hormones wear off.
And maybe, just maybe, I will have time to write about the new story I have added to my life, and update this old blog to include more recent happenings.

Doing Nothing

2010-07-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

Isn't that why I became a teacher? So I can stay home all summer with my kids? I just watched them perform a "fashion show" for me. Katie always plays the "host" and the boys dress up as cowboys, football players, old men, babies, and all kinds of funny things. They even dressed the dog up for a wedding!
We do a few things every day ,but mostly we just hang out, watch a movie, go for a walk (if it isn't a bazillion degrees out- so not for a while), and count down until our short vacation we get to take in a few weeks.
I think I should probably be doing more to get ready for the wedding... I think I should probably try to get started with learning about my new job... I think I should get the house organized for the upcoming school year when I will be super busy... I think I should clean the house since we will have guests soon... but I think I will wait until next week!
I have read, by my estimation, 7 books this summer and am into number 8. I know, I know, the English teacher should have read more. But, in my defense, I read Atlas Shrugged, which is 1100 pages (ish) of very small print. I love disappearing into the realm of fiction. Somebody else's big adventure, somebody else's screwed up life, somebody else that I know will get a happy ending- and if they don't, well, I know that it isn't real.
I can't wait for the wedding. I can't wait to FINALLY be married to Jason :) I can't wait to see (most) all of the people I love and have a huge party. I can't wait to sigh a big sigh of relief that we made it through all the drama and now get to get on to the business of living our lives. My grandma is coming to Texas for the first time- Wahoo! I think I decided to have a real wedding just so she would come ;) My siblings- mostly (and I won't comment on the "mostly" or I will be cranky) are coming. I get to meet my niece that I have never seen, and play with my niece I haven't seen since she was a tiny baby! I get to see my surro twins- I haven't seen them since March. They will be nine months old and I am so excited they can come. I can't wait to be with my family. Did I say that yet? Okay, moving on...
I am so excited about the kidney bean, but there will be more on that later ;)
And, since I have a fussing child, I will leave you with my profound thoughts on life I have gleaned from my summer reading, my topsy-turvy life, and whatever else I have experienced lately:
There is only one way to live a fulfilling life- on your own terms. Nothing else will be satisfying.

Dear IP

2010-06-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately about everything I see when I look at an IP (surrogacy- related term for Intended Parent- the person that is intended to become a parent by the end of the process).
I think about all the things people say about surrogates. Aside from all the negative things and the misunderstandings, people seem to see that surrogates give their time, their bodies, their hearts, and receive in payment for services rendered varying sums of money, or no money, as is the case for many. I have been called a blessing, an angel, and a gift. I am embarrassed to be spoken of that way, for I am none of those things. I am just a woman doing something that I know God wants me to do.  And when I think about what I have received as a surrogate, it brings me back to the IPs. So, I have been writing a letter in my head to all of my IPs (and somehow to all IPs) and I am going to go ahead and try to write it now.

Dear IP,
As I imagine meeting you, I wonder what you will be like. I imagine a woman suffering from the loss of dreamed-of- motherhood, I imagine a woman who has been weakened by sorrow, and overcome with despair. I imagine a man by your side who is empty and aching for the joy of throwing his own child into the air as she squeals with delight. I look at my children, and I imagine the loss of each of their lives, and can only barely, slightly, infintesimally glimpse the horrors you have seen as you have watched your living children die, as you have watched your body betray you and leave you vacant inside. I imagine the pain in your eyes, and I don't know how I will bear to see the hurt.

As I meet you, I look into your eyes and I am amazed by what I see. I see the strength of having endured unimaginable loss and still being able to believe in miracles. I see the determination of a person determined to succeed when all they have met with is failure. I see the power of true love in the man who married a woman knowing she would never be able to bear the children of his dreams.   I am amazed by what I see, and by what I don't see. I don't see anger at the world, I don't see jealousy of the mother walking by, I don't see you feeling sorry for yourself.   I see someone driven to action. I see someone who knows that there is always a way. I see a mind with a dream. I see a heart full of hope.
And when I see your strength, when I see your determination, when I see your love, and mostly, when I see your hope, I am humbled. I am humbled to know that I will never be as strong as you. I will never be as determined as you. I will never know what it means to try and try again. I will never have to hold to hope as tightly as you do, and I will never be able to inspire anyone as you have inspired me.
Dear IP, you have taught me what it means to love. You have taught me what it means to hope. You have taught me that if you never give up, you will reach your goal. You have taught me to believe in miracles.
I thank you.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for granting me this moment to see into your soul. I thank you for sharing your most private pain with me, and for allowing me to see the brilliant light of your soul reflecting through your eyes. There will never be adequate words to express my gratitude for the values you have brought to me. I will be forever changed.

Summer is here

2010-05-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

Summer is upon us. I look forward to this time all year long- it is what I think of when I am fed up with my students, with waking up at 5 am every morning, with never having time to clean my house. So why is it that with its arrival I am filled with such nostalgia?
This year marks my fourth year here in Alto. This year the students that I have taught since their freshman year are graduating. On Friday night, I will sit in the stands and watch them walk across the stage for the final time. I will see them together, laughing, crying, cheering, and hugging each other- as they have done for the last thirteen years of their lives- for the last time. They will hug me good-bye (or not) and I will see them when they come to visit or pick up transcripts (or not), but it will never be the same.
While they were at graduation practice yesterday, I was cleaning out my cupboard. I found poems, posters, projects, and short stories they had written. I have kept these things for the last four years mostly on accident, but gathering them up and throwing them away at the same time my seniors were coming in to tell my good-bye was so bittersweet. I realize how quickly time flies by and how important it is to tell people everything good and wonderful about them every minute you have with them because the time we have to influence them for good or help them understand something is so small. I will never see these kids in this same context again. They are grown. I have done my job, and I pray that I did it well enough that it will enable them to succeed in the world outside.
And another day has passed and I am on day two of trying to write this post! Today is the last day of school. Very few students are here, my room is clean, and I am going to go pick the boys up "early" so that they can feel special ;) It has been a great year, a busy (crazy busy) spring, and now the kids and I get the summer to just play sports, games, travel, and SLEEP IN!
I love what I do, especially in the summer ;)

Busy

2010-05-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

Some days, life just seems overwhelming. I am surrounded by people I love, I have a good job, I am going to marry the man I love, my children tell my they love me every day, and it will be summer in just eleven more school days... why do I get overwhelmed? I think it must be hormonal or something.
Why am I so annoyed that after I buy my daughter a new bathing suit, sunglasses, and t shirt for her field trip, arrange the sleepover so she can go, and make sure she has sunscreen for the water park, does she get mad at me because I can't call her principal at six o'clock at night so she can get special permission to ride with a friend?
Why am I so upset that the house is a disaster when I at least have a house?
Why does it matter that I have no time to sit at the computer without knowing that something important is not getting done?
Why do I worry that the plants Jason carefully planted will die in my care before they even start to wilt?
I don't know... and I am too tired to look for the answers.
I know that life is good. I know that I love being alive and being healthy only slightly less than I love my children being alive and happy. I know that I am so immensely blessed, I shouldn't even worry or stress out. I hope maybe it is just because I strive to be the best I can be and know that I have a long way to go...
Goal number 1: Get the kids to bed
Goal number 2: Get to work on time
Goal number 3: I'll think about it in the morning (that's why I have a calendar).

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

I have heard many quotes and cute sayings about Mother's Day. Today my mother gave me a book of them as a gift, and I love the pictures with the quotes on them. I guess, if I had to write my own quote for Mother's Day, it would go something like this, "Mom- I can't imagine who I would be without you, and I can't imagine life without you. Thank you for choosing to love me for all of these years."
Being a mom is the most amazing gift I have ever been given. Having an amazing mom is the greatest blessing. I thank God for my mother every day, and I pray that I will get to keep her for a long, long time.
My children let me sleep in this morning. They bought me flowers. They helped Jason (I think) get breakfast ready. They tried not to fight. They folded and put away laundry (with just a few loud complaints). They made me pretty things at school and brought them home today. But better than that, they hugged me and told me they loved me. And even better than that, they were here. Through all that we have been through, through the loss of our 'perfect' family, I have learned that having my children with me is a gift in and of itself. They don't have to do anything to make me enjoy Mother's Day. Just by virtue of being here, I am able to not only honor my mother, but celebrate this day and realize the depth of love and respect we owe our mothers, because I understand what each one goes through for her children.
I was able to wake up today to a house full of love, even with the whining and fighting and the mess, I have three children. These are my blessings, these are my gifts from God and the only thing of worth I leave to the Earth.
I am many things, but if I could only be one, if I had to sum up all that I am and all that I want to be, it would be in the word "mom."
I spent the afternoon with my family. We watched the children play, we ate good food, and we even played kickball- girls versus boys- and we lost terribly! I can't imagine not having a family. I can't imagine my family without the mothers we have in it.
"'Mother' is the name for God in the minds and hearts of little children."
What a task I have before me. What power I have been endowed with by God to be ready for all that I must do for my children. What greater power and responsibility has God put on the earth than that He instills in His daughters?

It's been forever and what news I have to tell!

2010-05-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

And the door into forever has opened wide...
On the last Friday of Spring Break, Jason and I went out to breakfast at this fabulous restaurant in Marble Falls. This restaurant even boasts banana cream pie- and it is sooo good! I knew he had something for me, and I kept waiting for him to break down and let me have it. So, when he told me that he put it in the pie, I started looking to see if there was a gap or smeared spot in the cool whip. There wasn't. So, no ring, but I got the best banana pie ever...
We decided to go to Enchanted Rock for a picnic. Enchanted Rock is this humongous (I think an acre big?) rock that you actually can climb up and walk around on. It is the size of a very large hill, but it is all rock. We failed to realize that there was a crazy long line to get in, so we ended up eating our picnic in the car- which was good, because it is really windy on top of a rock...
We hiked up the rock, and it was so beautiful. We looked around at the land around us that seemed to go on forever. I asked a man to take our picture, Jason said something to him (I thought about making the camera work), and we smiled for the camera. The man said, "just let me take a few more", so we just stood there smiling. Well, let me rephrase, I stood there smiling, trying to ignore Jason bumping around in his pocket while I pretended not to know what he was doing. Then, he leaned in close (it was hard to hear over the wind) and said, "Emily, I knew from the first day I met you that I was going to marry you, (then he started to cry and I think he forgot whatever he had planned to say next)", kneeled down, opened up the ring box with my BEAUTIFUL sapphire ring in it, and asked, "will you marry me?" Of course, I said yes and pulled him up for a big hug and kiss. It was a beautiful moment. And, thanks to our picture-taking friend, we have pictures of the entire event!

Since we were on top of the world, we had no cell service, so we sat down in a niche in the rock and looked out at the world spread ahead of us. There were no interruptions, no phones ringing, no noise that could out match the wind, just us. And we held hands and talked. And my heart was full.

I can see into forever and now I see the man I love walking beside me into eternity.

Moving On

2010-01-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

It has been two months since the twins were born. In these two months, my body has healed, shrunk back to my scrawny size (well, except for this ridiculous extra skin around my middle), and I can now move at a regular speed. It feels good to be "normal" again.
I am spending time with my kids and with Jason. I am working and directing the play. The children have begun all of their spring activities- riding horses, tumbling, and soon we will be in baseball season. Life is busy, but busy is good I suppose...
I have seen pictures of the twins as they have grown, and they are growing like weeds! Their little faces have filled out, and their parents seem to be over-the-moon-happy still. They sent me a necklace with two doves on it- one to represent each child I brought into the world for them. It was one of the most touching gifts I have ever received, and the only necklace I have ever worn with regularity.
I am moving on, and many days I don't really think about the twins. I have found that what really makes me think of them is when I see a pregnant woman or a mother with a newborn baby- especially twins. The first time I saw a mom with newborn twins, I almost left the restaurant. I am somehow fascinated by newborns still... the only explanation I have for this is that my body and my subconscious don't realize that I'm not "supposed" to have a baby in my arms. It feels like my body is sending me signals of sorrow for the infant I should have. It is only a temporary feeling, and I understand it for what it is. The thing that I love about this feeling- and it may seem absurd- is that it makes me understand infertility just a little bit better. I think of the sorrow I feel at the "missing" babies I delivered, and then I think of the pain it must bring to the woman who is actually missing her child. I cannot imagine her pain and her grief. It makes me appreciate my children more. It makes me appreciate the miracle of surrogacy more. It makes me love these families that look to surrogacy or adoption to have children even more. Every part of this journey has been a gift- even the sorrow- for the sorrow brings joy much greater than the sadness it springs from.
I am still moving on and every day I grow further from this journey. It will always be a part of me, and I will always love this family that is now part of my heart. Every time I get a new picture of them, my heart leaps with joy. Every time I hear from them, a smile breaks out on my face.
I think of this heart-filling contentment, and I wonder, how can I not do this again?

My Montage 1/3/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

2010-01-04T13:53:00.001-08:00

I finally made a video of our journey. It was so amazing to look at all we have been through to get these babies here, and I am so thankful for each step of the way.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A new year and the end of my journey

2009-12-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

It is amazing that it has been six weeks since the twins were born. In a way, it seems as though they just arrived, and in another way, it seems as though the pregnancy and this incredible experience never even happened. But I know it did.
I am "back to normal" and recovered from the pregnancy. The twins are home with their family and thriving. But there are little reminders every day that this experience was very real. My stomach, of course, still looks like it just had babies. When I hear a baby cry, or even see one, I get the strange sensation of a let down that never comes. When I see a mother with her newborn child, there is a weird moment where I realize how recently I just gave birth. But always, always, I am amazed that it happened, amazed at the miracle of life and of love, amazed at the beauty of hope.
I didn't realize that when I had the twins, I would be sending pieces of me home with them. But, as a friend pointed out, they filled my heart with new pieces, and I think, stronger pieces.
This time last year, the twins' parents and I were working on contracts. Now, after 12 months, they are holding their children in their arms. What a difference a year makes!
People still ask me if I miss the twins, if I am sad to have "given them up", and if I am "doing okay". Well, I don't miss the twins as much as I miss the experience of surrogacy and the relationship I had with their family. I am not at all sad to have "given them up"; I am overjoyed that their parents have their children back with them. I am "doing okay", in fact, I am doing pretty darn fabulous. Example:
I received a call this morning from the hospital. The man calling said he was verifying information and he needed the birthdate of my"son". I stopped to think, and thought, "none of my boys have been in the hospital." I questioned him as to why he was calling and what he was talking about. Then I realized- and said, "oh, the twins!" It was confusing at first, but then very reassuring to me that I don't consider the twins to be my children at all, not in any way shape or form. It makes me more confident when I answer the questions of others to know that even in my heart and my own mind, I don't connect the twins to me in that way. They are two of my favorite people in this world, and I would do anything for them, but that is all.
Every time my children start to drive me nuts, I think of what people have to go through just to have children, and I appreciate my children and the simple miracle that each of them is.
Every time I think of the twins, I still just think of love.
This experience has changed my life. It has made me appreciate the blessings I have. It has made me appreciate the strengths of others. It has made me feel love in such a way that I have never known.
I have so many emotions about this journey. I have so many feelings I want to share and so many thoughts about everything that has transpired. I feel as though this entire entry is just jumping around from one idea to the next. Maybe one day this will all be sorted out in my head and I will be more coherent. Until then, I will focus on the new year, and the new adventures and experiences that life holds in store for me:
I will focus on loving my children and helping them to achieve their goals; whether riding horses, learning to tumble, earning Scout badges, or succeeding in school.
I will enjoy every moment I get to spend with Jason and the happiness he brings into my world.
I will surprise my students with my amazing skills at walking fast and moving around the classroom without waddling.
I will enjoy my family and friends, for they are my strength and my support.
I will look forward to the summer when I will hopefully see my beautiful surro twins once more.
Until then, I will accept that this journey is finally, after 13 months, a hundred shots, a dozen trips to Houston, twenty-ish doctor's appts, numerous phone calls, and countless days of love and sacrifice on the parts of all involved, complete.
Now, I take the bittersweet step forward, and on with the rest of my journey, my life...

Surprise- they're here!

2009-11-25T07:19:00.000-08:00

Week 34 of twin pregnancy began as normal. I was swollen and miserable, yet full of happiness. I went to the ob on Monday and we were between 2 and 3 centimeters dilated (which means that my body is getting ready to deliver- but can stay that way for a long time). I felt SO full and ready to pop though, I measured 41 weeks- bigger than I had ever been before.

On Tuesday morning, I went to work early for a meeting. I was walking very, very slowly, and felt a little odd. I was leaking a bit of fluid, so I called the nurse and she told me to come in. I told our secretary that I would probably be back by lunch, that I just needed to check on this. Well, I made it to the doctor's office where he determined that one of the bags had ruptured and amniotic fluid was coming out. As we headed to do an ultrasound check, he started talking about the hospital. I said, "you mean, we are delivering today?" And he said, "yes." I called the twins' mom, asked her pull over, and told her she would have babies today!

I drove across the parking lot to the hospital, and by 11:30 I was hooked up and my doctor broke the bag completely on twin A (the one that was closest to the exit). My mom came to the hospital to be with me during this labor and the twins' parents were on their way. I guess since I have had so many babies everything went very quickly. At some point, the anesthesiologist came and gave me an epidural although I wasn't really in pain, just in labor. The epidural was the most painful part of my labor and delivery. It felt like I was being electrocuted down my whole left side. The epidural worked for a while, but then it quit working and I felt my labor the rest of the time. By 3:30, I was ready to deliver. They pushed my whole bed down to the OR (operating room), which is standard protocol for delivering twins. Somehow, they got me onto the evil operating table, made it sit up, and I was able to get myself situated.

When my doctor arrived and realized that the epidural had worn off, he sent for the anesthesiologist. He said that the current epidural wouldn't work and I let them all know that there would be no new epidural!
The doctor told me to push when I had the next contraction. I was so confused, I was not in pain and my contractions didn't seem like they were strong enough yet. However, I said, "okay" and we pushed. Three pushes later, twin A came out. She was making this wonderful grumpy face that made the nurses all smile. They layed her across my chest and wiped her up as she started to whimper. I had two thoughts while they did this: "cry, baby, cry" and "she should be in her mother's arms- not mine". She was beautiful. They took her to the little baby bed to clean her up, and it wasn't until she screamed at them in protest that I cried tears of joy that she was well.

After she was born, I had been told we would take a rest and use the ultrasound machine to see what her brother was doing. Ha, ha, ha! He was anxious to follow his sister into this world, and 7 minutes and four pushes later, twin B was born. He was angry and screaming, and I was overjoyed. He was beautiful. I rested.

The twins were both crying, pink, and healthy. We spent 50 minutes in the OR. The first 20 was setting up. The next 10 were the twins being born. The final 20 was the clean up. Amazing.

The twins were here! I had just had the easiest labor and delivery of my entire life, and I had brought two children into the world. How miraculous!

I spent the next four hours recovering. The twins spent the next four hours being tested, watched, and carefully looked after by the nursery staff. The twins were premature and required extra attention. Their parents spent the next four hours driving to their children.

Finally, that evening, I was able to go into the nursery with their parents. I was able to watch them, for a few minutes, look in wonder at the children their love, sacrifice, and patience had brought to them. I went back to my room completely fulfilled knowing they had their dream before them.

Their parents missed the delivery, and weren't able to hold them that first night in the nursery. I had anticipated the moment of their first meeting of the twins so differently and had planned on that being my beautiful memory of helping them become parents. Life doesn't work out that way- it works out better.

The next afternoon, when the twins were allowed to leave the nursery, C and A brought them to my room- not to theirs- and I was delighted. I was able to sit in my hospital bed and watch them sit on the couch holding their newborn son and daughter. This little girl I had delivered was in the arms of her father, who rocked her and sang to her in French. This little boy that I had delivered nestled in the arms of his mother as she rocked him and smiled the smile of a new mother. I had my moment. I will keep that moment alive in my heart forever, and I will never think of it without tears of joy.

The twins stayed in the hospital for four days. They are not only blessings, but miracles. What a short stay for babies born at only 34 weeks. I was so scared that I would not be giving C and A the healthy children they had longed for, but we did! While they were in the hospital, I was able to see them every day. My children were all able to hold them and kiss them. It was a beautiful gift from their parents to us to allow us to be part of their bonding time.

Ever since the twins' birth, all I have thought when I think of them, surrogacy, this journey, life in general, is- LOVE. Love. Nothing more. Everything good in this world comes from love. These children are love in its purest form.
I have expected sorrow, or grief, or loss since coming home. I have experienced love, and peace, and joy. My heart is simply full of love.

I know I am terrible at getting pictures to organize on here, but....

the reason you have actually opened this blog, PICTURES!!!

Little man- white hat

Little princess- yellow hat

Twins with parents and me

Twins with my kids

Blessed

2009-11-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so blessed today. I know with Thansgiving coming, everyone is thinking about what they are thankful for. I have so many things that I am thankful for, it takes me all year to think about them- I never have time to stop.
The top of my list includes:
Being a mom
Having whole, healthy, intelligent, amazing children
Having a huge and loving family (Knowing that I will never be alone)
Having a wonderful man who puts up with all my crankiness and still thinks I am wonderful
and
Carrying these two lovely surro twins as long as I have.

Since I have been pregnant with the twins, I have known three people who have lost twins due to early delivery. I feel so terrible for every complaint I have uttered when I am still carrying healthy and strong children. I am so thankful that I have been blessed to have the ability to carry them this far, keep them strong, and stay healthy myself.

On another note, we had a great conversation in our car on the way to school last week, and I jotted it down. I thought (well, was told by Jason!) that I should post it here since it pertains to this surrogacy journey:

They ask me all the time, "Why are you doing this?" "They" would include perfect strangers, doctors, coworkers, students, my family, and my children. "This" would be the fact that I am a gestational surrogate- I am carrying another couple's children in my womb.

I have thought of and given many answers to this question, but none seem to be sufficient. I have tried to explain this feeling I have that compels me to carry someone else's child under my heart for nine months. I have explained, shared, and pondered this question a million times, yet I never seem to have a clear and understandable answer for anyone other than myself.

Until one day last week, my son asked me for the fourth of fifth time why I wanted to do this. And, finally, the answer that came from my lips seemed to satisfy him. I started like this...
"When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mommy. There were other things I wanted to be too, but I knew that if I could only have one of those things, I would want to have children. I wanted to be just like my mom and have babies to play with, make cookies for, and snuggle in my arms. As I grew older, this feeling never changed. Even when I talked about going to college and having a career, I always knew I wanted to have you children more than anything else.

"When I had your big sister, I knew that being her mommy was what I was meant to be. It was the best feeling I had ever had to hold my baby in my arms and kiss her soft head. And when you and your brother were born, I had the same feeling. I knew I was very blessed to have all of you."
And then I told my son,
"What would have happened if I couldn't have had babies? That was all I ever wanted. That was my most important dream for this life. I would never have been happy if I hadn't been able to have you.
So, when I see your aunt and uncle, good friends, or perfect strangers who can't have a baby, I think of that feeling I had when I was a little girl- and I know that the woman or man that can't have a baby has the same feeling, the same dream. It makes mommy hurt in her heart to think about not having you as my child. And for me to see somebody else so sad inside makes me want to help mend their broken heart. And I know that a family that wants a baby will never have complete happiness without a baby of their own to love."
And then my son said to me,
"So that's why you're a surrogate?"
And I said,
"Yes."

I hope this helps someone's understanding of why surrogate mothers do what they do. For me, it is a gift of love, the helping of a soul reaching for their dreams be able to achieve them. And isn't that what life is all about? To serve, to aid, to lift one another as high as we are able?

33 weeks and growing...

2009-11-08T09:32:00.001-08:00

This last week has been very exciting. Every single day my belly has grown bigger. It has gone up, over my ribs, and is now sitting at my bra line (this has never happened before). It is peeping over the sides as the twins are running out of room just in front. When one of the kiddos moves, my entire belly moves with it. I am amazed that the twins are thriving and seem to be so content in such a squished up place!

The swelling in my legs seems to be permanent. Every couple days my left ankle will be almost down to normal when I wake up, but mostly I just walk around on my elephant legs. I am so glad this is my biggest complaint. The only other truly distressing event

is when the twins get to shoving

their feet up under my ribs and I can't breathe, move,

and all I feel is "ow"!
Here are pictures of my 33 week belly and me with my son (for comparison of how big the belly is:

My children decided it would be fun to paint my belly for Halloween. We missed Halloween, but yesterday we started to get ready for the upcoming holidays. Here they are:

An Angel turkey A fat Christmas tree Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

by Katie by Triston by Braden

We are enjoying our last 5 (or less) weeks with the twins. We can't wait to be able to send them home to mom and dad and big brother!

32 weeks!!!

2009-11-07T13:29:00.001-08:00

I am so excited that we have made 32 weeks. I no longer have any fear of the twins being born too early because we have passed the "danger" zone. It makes me feel soooo calm.

Our 32 week doctor's visit was well attended. The twins' mom came with me (as she does to all our ultrasounds to see her little ones and I love her for it!), as well as my mom and Jason.

The twins are getting so big now that it is difficult to see which parts go to which baby- so I didn't see too much from my perspective. What we learned is this: Baby A (boy) is about 4 lb 14 oz, head down, facing my back so we still haven't seen his face, and has finally given his sister some room in there. Baby B (girl) is about 4 1/2 lb, head down, still turned in profile, pulled her thumb out of her mouth and swallowed while we were watching, and is taking up more of the room now. We were able to see healthy pulsating umbilical cord and lots of fluid pockets around them. They still have their heads smooshed right together, then come apart, and their feet come together under my right ribs. So, they are kind of in a diamond shape, with my bladder and right side ribs taking the full brunt of their movements. The doctor says everything looks great and that he thinks it is very possible they will come around 36 weeks (Thanksgiving). If they are not out by 38 weeks (Dec 13 ish), we will talk about inducing. They are already measuring big for their gestation, and I don't want 8 or 9 pounds per baby!

Super fun pregnant lady things: I am swollen up to my knees and my right leg NEVER unswells, my stomach muscles feel like they are ripping apart, I can hardly get in and out of the car, if I sit too long my legs go kind of numb, and, of course, I am super cranky and emotional. My belly has grown immensely since 30 weeks (scroll down to compare), and my clothes are ceasing to fit. My back started to hurt (I was expecting it to start a month ago), and I am still on my super fun diabetic diet. I can't go grocery shopping anymore, so Jason, bless him, goes for me or with me when I can. I just don't love it when they start kicking- four feet in one side of the ribs is a bit more than my body can handle- and I think this and the swelling of my feet is what will finally make me stop working.

Super fun surrogate things: I am so excited to see my IPs with their babies. I feel that the further this journey progresses, the more people seem to be supportive of it. I am enjoying this journey so very much, and I love to see my belly bumping and jumping around and know that I have successfully kept these children safe and strong for so long.

All is well, I am just tired and have no energy past the necessary tasks of life, and even those tend to fall by the wayside.

Here is 32 week pic: And 32 week cankles with cankles:

30 weeks and a baby shower

2009-11-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I know I am not 30 weeks anymore, but I wanted to share some of the fun from 30 weeks. At 30 weeks I took my last road trip- a three hour trip to the twins' grandma's house for their baby shower. I was surprised at how much the trip exhausted me, but was so happy to be there.

The baby shower was lovely and I was able to meet some more of the twins' relatives and close family friends. It was wonderful to be invited to share in such an intimate moment that is reserved for families and dear friends. I enjoyed immensely the smiles and joy I saw in the faces of the twins' grandparents, great aunt, cousins, aunts and uncles, and everyone else who was there. The greatest joy of all was watching their parents open their gifts and see their reactions to all the little baby things that they have never had before.

Here is me with two little onesies:

I had been at the mall the week before the shower and found this shirt with the "Special Delivery" message- and knew it would be perfect for the shower.

I wish I could share the pictures of me with the twins' family, of their huge stack of baby supplies and diapers, and of theirbrother in my lap the next morning while we tried to get him to pat or kiss my belly (he wasn't very agreeable).

I think the moment I will always remember is their great aunt racing up to me at putting her hands on my belly before I even knew who she was. I think that her actions just made me feel that she realized my purpose there was to provide "the belly" holding the children that were being celebrated.

Our 30 week appointment: I gained about 2 or 3 pounds (can't remember now), and measured 35 weeks- 5 weeks bigger than I actually am (hmm, I guess it's that extra baby in there). I think I didn't gain as much weight since I began my super fun gestational diabetes diet. So, for the first time in my life, I am on a diet-grr!

Here is my 30 week belly: And my 30 week feet and cankles:

The third trimester- wow!

2009-10-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently it has been a long time since I have updated! After a bout with bronchitis and the total exhaustion these twins bring about every night, I am falling asleep with the kids and barely making it to my own bed!

Everything is going fantastically well. We were 28 weeks on Saturday, which means we are officially in the third trimester. The twins' mom and brother were able to come spend the night on Sunday and go with my to our 28 week ultrasound on Monday morning. The best news: The twins are looking very healthy. The doctor estimated the boy's weight to be 2 lb. 15 oz. and the girl's to be 2 lb. 10 oz. That is a very good and healthy weight for this week of pregnancy- and it made me feel so good to know that they are strong! The second best news: They are both head down, which means that as long as they stay this way we can try for a vaginal delivery (hoping and praying and telling them to 'stay'!). The little girl is tucked away deep in my right side with her head in profile to the front and she is still sucking her thumb. Her feet are in my ribs, and she is very active. Her stinkery brother has his head right next to her (about the middle of my abdomen) and is turned toward my back. His feet are up by my left side, so he is basically taking up about 2/3 of the space in there. He is a little bit sluggish and doesn't move around as much. However, they are both moving enough to keep me, the kids, and my students entertained! I have gained 24 pounds- which is about how much I gained in total with my own pregnancies. I am hoping to hit 40 pounds ;)

Their mom and I took a tour of the hospital and were able to see the nursery, the labor and delivery room, and the door that leads to the OR (there was a c-section taking place so we couldn't go in). That made it all seem so real and wonderful.

The bad news: I failed the glucose tolerance test and had to take the super-fun 3 hour glucose tolerance test this morning. Hopefully we will have results soon.
The terrible news: We found out that hospital policy only lets one person into the OR for delivery. I am having fits about this, because BOTH parents deserve to watch their children be born, and it is not their fault that I have to be there taking up the 'mom spot'! I am going to see what can be done about this ridiculous rule.

All in all, things are going well. I am getting big enough that my maternity clothes are snug, I have new vericose veins in my legs that look like bruises, my ankles never cease to be swollen, and my heels hurt incessantly. If I lay down flat, I can't breathe, and if I eat too much, I get reflux. All of these things are perfectly normal and just show that everything is going the way it should be.

I have been invited to the baby shower and that means so much to me. I have also been banned from bringing them gifts- but we will sneak some in anyways. How could I not buy anything for these little loves that I have been carrying around the last six months?

My children are anxious to see the twins, sad they missed the visit with their mom and brother, and can't wait to help make a basket of "necessities" to send their parents. It amazes me that my children can understand so completely how this works. They care about the twins, the twins' family, and talk about all of it with such clarity- I am amazed that they use words like "surrogacy" freely when explaining why mommy is pregnant. I am so proud of them and their loving hearts.

As we enter into the third trimester, I feel anxious and excited and so many other emotions. There will be a sense of sadness when this is over and this amazing journey ends. There will be such a sense of relief that we made it and successfully got these two babies here. There will be such a sense of pure joy to know that another family has been blessed by children to love.

Mother Theresa said to "give until it hurts." I don't know if I just haven't given enough, but giving is the greatest gift to myself I have ever found. For when I can think of others instead of myself, I find myself full of purpose, happiness, and find that not only am I happier, but my children are as well.

My pictures just won't go where I want them to, but these are 28 weeks- and I think this is getting pretty close to my "normal" full term size. The next few months will be interesting...

Two ears of corn

2009-09-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

We are 24 weeks today. I love this milestone in pregnancy. This is the week where the twins are now viable children- if they were born, they would have a fighting chance at survival. Of course, they are not going to be; I am holding them hostage at least until Thanksgiving (that is the plan anyways).
According to Babycenter.com, they are each the length of an ear of corn today and over a pound. They are scrawny and haven't filled out yet, but they are working on it. Oh, how they are working on it. I look seven months pregnant already! As I sit here typing, I am having body parts bump into the top of my belly and slide around. It is great to be able to feel them moving; it brings me peace of mind to know that they are thriving. And now a big bump to the front- boy they are feeling wiggly now!
Things my body is doing: My fingernails are long, I have new spider veins popping up on my legs every day, my bladder is squished- I am not sure where it has gone because I feel them move against my pubic bone, if I lay down flat on my back I cannot breathe, when I try to get up from lying down I can't, and I can't reach my feet without sitting down and maneuvering correctly. I am eating like a starved pig and going to the bathroom every hour. The two new and exciting things: Stabbing pains in the sides of my adbomen and my sciatic nerve going numb. Yay! And I mean Yay! I am having normal pregnancy related problems- nothing dangerous to me or the babies. I have seen such horrible things happen during pregnancy that I am thankful every day for what I am going through.
The twins have names now. I don't think I will post them here, since they aren't my children's names to release, but I am excited about it. I can talk to them now and call them by name. Braden will come rub my tummy, kiss it, or talk to the twins. This morning he listened to my belly and said, "I hear them talking to each other". It was so cute. I told him that was just my tummy being hungry- which it always is.
Their parents are preparing everything at home for them, and getting their big brother as prepared as a two year old can be. I enjoy hearing about their plans and their joy at their upcoming arrivals. I can not describe how incredibly happy it makes me to hear their excitement in making plans for these children.
My greatest fear in going into surrogacy was that I would grow too attached to the babies. I had no idea that the fulfillment and happiness of helping someone else's dream come true would be complete. I never knew how easy it would be to envision these children in their parents' arms. I have no fear of that now. My greatest concern now is that I get them here safely.
Life is full of grief and sorrow. I could spend an entire blog just complaining about the things that are sad or frustrating in my life. But, life is also full of joy and peace. I have learned that through the grief and sorrow we find the joy and peace. We truly could not have one without the other. I will gladly take the pain that comes my way if it means I can know the happiness I feel on a daily basis.

My babies are growing in so many ways

2009-09-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

"Thousands of candles can be lighted by a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." Buddha

I sit here, after a week of trying to find time to blog, and my thoughts have all left my head. Life is full these days, with the children, school, work, their extra activities, and all that we try to do. My children are growing up so fast. Katie is now playing the clarinet in band and talks about it every day after school. She is wearing mascara and lip gloss, wearing clothes from the Junior's department, and having sleepovers. Triston is doing Boy Scouts and helped our principal fold the U.S. and Texas flags after school on Friday. I was so proud! He is working with his aunt to show a horse in a competition next month. Braden just turned 6, and is growing so fast I can't believe how quickly it has happened. He is a big boy now and makes his own dinner plates and picks out his own clothes. I am overjoyed to see the people they are growing into and the goodness that radiates from them. However, I am also sad to see their little hands grow so large and their feet grow bigger than mine (well, Katie's already have) Next thing I know, they will all be taller than me! First day of school picture:

We have adjusted to school time and the school routine. We try to fit in fun things to do whenever we can and I try to let the kids have time to play with their friends, ride their bikes, and enjoy being kids. We seem to be successful with this, and they love to have free time.

I have never enjoyed anything more than I enjoy being a mom. When I was a little girl, I always said I wanted to grow up to be a mommy. Well, I did, and it is the only job I will never retire from. There is no other love on this earth that is as pure as the love between mother and child. I live for their hugs, thrive on their kisses, and rejoice in every success they meet. And when they fall, I lift them up, and we keep on going. The miraculous thing about them growing up is that they don't let me fall either. Wherever I am, whatever happens, no matter what, I know with my children that I am home.

They are the candles I was born to light. They are the light that I will leave the world. They are the best thing I have ever done.

The last (gasp) day of (gasp) summer!

2009-08-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. School starts tomorrow. Aaahhhhh! I am as ready as I ever will be. The kids have their new wardrobes and shoes, the kitchen is stocked with school food, and their new school supplies are labeled and waiting to be scooped up at 6:30 tomorrow morning as we head out the door. They are excited for school to start- I told them to tell me that on Friday when they are waking up for the fifth time at 5:45 am!

I am excited to get back into a routine and have work to occupy my mind. I am anxious to see how my students are doing and be a useful citizen of Earth again. I am worried though that the normal stresses of working will make the pregnancy more uncomfortable. I am so anal about everything being done a certain way (my way of course) that I always do everything myself and I know that I won't be able to this year. One of my surro friends is already on bedrest at this stage in pregnancy, and I am just so thankful that I am healthy, the babies are healthy, and I am able to carry on with mostly normal levels of activity.

Speaking of surro friends, I belong to an online community called surromomsonline.com. It is a fantastic place for surrogates, intended parents, and anybody who wants to learn more about surrogacy to find tons of information. It is also a place where I receive lots of support from other people who understand what I am going through. I was able to meet my surro friend Denise in person when I went to Houston two weeks ago for lunch. We are due within days of each other and it was really fun to talk about surrogacy, teaching, kids, and many other things we have in common! Off my advertising plug now...

The twins are growing in great leaps and bounds. The last few days have brought about a lot more movement from this little girl. So now, both sides of my tummy are moving and it is fun when they both move at the same time. I have never had this big of a party in my belly at once! I am still shocked every time I look in the mirror and realize how big I actually am. I tried on some work clothes yesterday, and there is a maternity work shirt that doesn't fit already- how bizarre!

My back hurts sometimes, but not too much yet. I just need to make sure I lay, sit, and stand in correct amounts or I get to aching. I feel really good most of the time, but have been feeling a bit cranky lately. Hopefully this leaves and I can feel like a nice sweet person for a while before I become whale-sized. My new and favorite solution to pregnancy sleeping is the fabulous Walmart candy cane pillow, as modeled by my daughter. It is actually much more comfortable the way I use it, but she wanted to be in the picture, so she is.

The twins parents have been thinking of names, and have told me the two they are currently thinking of using. They are names I would never have considered for my children, which is just another unique part of surrogacy. We are testing them out and will see what their parents decide.

The journey is going well so far. I have had many people question how I will emotionally handle this. I have had many people question these children not being mine. Well, today I had someone say something I am having a hard time abosrbing, so I am going to explain one little side note on how I view this surrogacy: I had someone today tell me I was the "birth mother" of these children. Well, I am NOT. Just because I have been caring for and carrying them for the first part of their lives, does not make me their mother. The fact that I am going to suffer physical pain to bring them into the world does not make me their mother- for the life of a child, any child, I would suffer pain. Who wouldn't?

I would challenge anyone to look into the eyes of these childrens' mother and tell her that she is not their mother. If I were to be taken away from my children for a year and someone else cared for them, would they belong to that woman? NO. These children that I am caring for have a mother and a father. It is a chance of fate that their mother cannot carry them. For this brief time, I am their host, their home, their protector, their nurturer, but never for a single moment have I been their mother. I am honored to be able to bring them into the world. I am humbled that God chose to give me a body that allows me to grow the miracles He creates. And I will be happy to see these children in the arms of their mother. I am a mother. I am a surrogate. They are two different things.

My mother always used to tell me when I complained about my life that "you choose your life every day. If you don't like it, do something about it." The awesome thing about that saying now is that I am choosing this life, and I like it. I am striving to be happy and raise happy children. We set goals and then we reach for them. My kids have no cavities, they can't think of a single thing they 'need' that they don't have, and every day they tell me they love me. What could be better than that?

21 Weeks and growing like weeds!

2009-08-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

This past week has been very hectic with getting ready to go back to work, mom's surprise 50th birthday party, and the kids (surprisingly) not spending the week with their father. Whew!
The twins have been busy growing. According to BabyCenter, they are the length of carrots and each weighs 3/4 pound. I look at my belly and can't believe I have two carrot size babies living in there!
I can tell they have been growing a lot this week because my belly seems so much bigger. It also extends all the way up to my ribs now so I can't slouch. I guess they will start popping out faster now since I am full from the ribs, all the way down, and even into my sides. This little boy is a wiggle worm and moves constantly. I have been at inservice the last two days and he keeps me entertained while I listen to the speakers and do my work. His sister is either much more peaceful, or she is aimed in such a way that her movements are all internal.
I have told everyone that works on my campus that I am carrying twins and that it is a gestational surrogacy (and then I explain that means that they are not mine!). My superintendent made a comment during our big district-wide meeting about teachers being an example for our students and something about our morals. I sat there thinking, "Hmm, and here I am, single and knocked up." Thus, the revelation to my coworkers on my campus. I guess it will trickle through the other two campuses pretty soon. Worst case scenario, when I don't have the baby in the next two months and just keep getting fatter and fatter, maybe they will ask.
Well, the kids are home, full of energy and needing me. Off I go...

20 weeks!

2009-08-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I am a bit late for 20 weeks, but we have been super busy! We spent the weekend at the lake house Jason's family owns at Lake LBJ. The kids were able to go on the wave runner swim in the lake, jump off the dock, swing in these cool "wind chairs", and play with Whisper- Jason's border collie. I go to spend the weekend watching all of this! On Friday we went to Longhorn Cavern, where we went on the "hour" long tour underground. Well, funny thing about the "hour" long tour, it was actually about 2 hours long and my bladder was sooo full by halfway through I thought I would have to hang back from the group and pee in the caves! Luckily, I made it out and all the way to the restroom before any accidents...

On Saturday, the twins' family was able to come spend the day with us. What a perfect event for hitting 2o weeks, the traditional halfway-through-pregnancy milestone. We were able to swim, barbeque, and visit for several hours. I love watching my IPs with their son and the way they interact with my children too. It reassures me every time that these children will be going to a loving home with capable parents. And, their big brother likes me now and will let me hold his hand when we walk places *smile*.

On Sunday, I decided to put a little sun on my belly while I floated in the lake. Of course, I lost track of time and fried the sucker. I am still putting aloe on it multiple times a day and it is about 10 days later... I am so glad I haven't had to go to the doctor this week- that would have been so embarrassing!

Nothing exciting at 20 weeks. The babies are growing and moving. I can feel them really well, but they get very still whenever anyone tries to feel them move.

Drumroll please...

2009-08-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well, we are 19 weeks, 3 days into this pregnancy. We just had the most fantatic weekend. On Sunday morning, my IPs and their son came into town. We were able to spend the day with them and took them to my parents' house for dinner. There they were hopefully not too overwhelmed by the size of my family- there were 16 of us at the dinner table! It was terribly humid on Sunday (I guess like most days!), but we were able to go out on the ranch and see the horses. Their son was able to hold a chicken, a frog, and see countless other "farm" animals. It was so much fun. I also think it was important for them and my family to meet. I knew it would be good for my kids, but hadn't realized the import to the rest of my family as well. Now my family has the faces to go with the names, and a family to fill the void they had seen me sending these children to.
Yesterday, we went to our ob appointment and our ultrasound! I have gained 6 pounds- I was hoping for more since my belly looks so big- and I have normal blood pressure, yada yada...
We put the u/s thing (can't think of the right work) on my belly, and the first thing we saw were two little heads, side by side. So, as of now, both babies are breach- which explains why my guts feel like they are being danced upon- they are! I love that their little heads were side by side! We were able to see perfectly beating hearts, complete spines, bladders, very wiggly limbs, alien-looking eyes, and profiles of both faces. And then we saw... drumroll please...
A very proud little BOY (Baby B) and a very sweet little GIRL (Baby A). So, my wonderful IPs are going to be parents of a boy and a girl in 4 1/2 short months! This little boy showed us his "boyness" at every angle we turned to look at him with. This little girl is a thumbsucker- just like her mom- and is the wiggly reason my right side gets sore- I think her feet are lodged into the side of me.
Seeing these children in their so healthy and active was absolutely beautiful. It amazed me that so much life was going on inside of me that I still don't feel too much. However, the most beautiful, touching, and heart-filling part of the whole day was the love and joy I saw in their parents' faces. To see their tears of joy as they embraced at the sight of their children is the memory I will keep forever in my heart. I can't imagine seeing anyone more full of love than these parents yesterday. I only imagine it will be stronger when these children are finally here- but I don't know how that will be possible.
Through all of their words of appreciation, I just keep thinking how happy their happiness makes me. I knew I would love these children. I didn't realize that I would love their family so very much.
I will be able to see my IPs again next weekend. I am hoping and hoping that these two kiddos will cooperate so that their parents will be able to feel them bumping around in there!

Life is good. Sometimes, it is so good that I forget to see how absolutely great it is. I see it today, and I am so grateful for the opportunity.

18 1/2 weeks- we are home!

2009-07-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

It has been an intense 3 1/2 weeks. I left home on July 3rd and returned on July 29th. I went from Salt Lake City, to Lake Tahoe, to Pacific Grove, to San Diego, to Houston, and home again. It feels so good to be in my house, in my chair typing, in my car driving, or in the grocery store just buying groceries!
The kids and I had fun and wore ourselves out. Both Triston and Katie ended up with swimmer's ear leading to ear infections on the trip. All three of the kids got too much sun. Braden learned to swim. We walked on the beach. We saw dearly loved friends and family, and met the newest members of our world (twin cousins, an niece, and a best friend's baby).
The surrogacy is going really well. At the end of week 17, I felt one episode of absolutely fabulous movement from one of the twins. I was so excited that they were finally moving enough to feel on the outside! Well, that was apparently a one time deal. Since then, it is back to subtle movements from within. I feel great and just eat, sleep, eat, sleep, repeat. I am sleeping about 10 hours a night and eating about 6 times a day. I feel no sickness anymore! I do get muscle aches in my belly and have to lay down sometimes to take the pressure off.
The really fun news is that my belly has tripled in size in the last two weeks. I went from barely showing when I left on vacation, to very visibly pregnant when I got home. Clothes I took on my trip quit fitting midtrip- oops!
I had a box of maternity clothes waiting when I got home though, so now I have clothes that fit!
I am really, really, really looking forward to this Sunday, and especially Monday. My IPs (The twins' parents) and their soon-to-be big brother are coming to visit on Sunday and stay in town for the ultrasound on Monday. I am looking forward to them being able to see where we live, meet the family, and - most importantly- meet the kids. I have talked to the children about them and have tried to make them seem very real so the kids will understand where the babies are going. They have talked on the webcam, but not in person. I feel that it is so important for my kids to know who these children belong to. I think it will help with closure when the babies are born, and with the understanding that we are helping create a family. I often tell them that we are making "N" a big brother. My children, although they think they don't, love each other so much and think everyone should have a brother or sister. So, I am so excited for this.
And, on Monday... the BIG ultrasound! We will get to look at all the little organs and body parts of the babies to make sure they are developing properly. We will get to see how they are arranging themselves in there and watch them move. We will also get to- if they cooperate- see if we have boys/girls/boy and girl playing in my tummy. I just can't wait to see them. Mostly, I can't wait to watch their parents see them. That is the moment I am waiting for.
There are many dangers to pregnancy, there are so many life changes that must be made to properly care for these babies in utero, and there are so many things that would be easier to do. However, with each day of this pregnancy, with each call to their parents, with each movement I feel, with each moment of this journey, I feel a surety that this is exactly what I should be doing, when I should be doing it. I know that prayers are answered, and I know that this surrogacy, for my family and the family waiting for these children, is an answer to prayer.
I have been told what a wonderful gift I am giving, how selfless I am, and many other undeserved compliments. But I have found this to be one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I am awed by the miracle of life, and incredibly blessed to be participating in the creation of it.

16 Weeks!!!

2009-07-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! We are 16 weeks pregnant, my belly is finally starting to pop out and look pregnant instead of pudgy, and I feel- GREAT!
I don't know if it is from being on vacation, being out of the vile heat of an East Texas summer (Jason's car thermometer read 113 this afternoon!), or finally hitting a "good" point of a twin pregnancy, but I just feel good, healthy, and normal. The babies aren't really moving yet, I feel a bump here and there, but that is all. I figure I am actually feeling them since I seem to know where they are located- but I may just be delusional. My dr told me I should be able to feel them move this week... but he may have just been placating me.
The kids and I are here in PG. We spent almost a week in Tahoe with dad at the house there and enjoyed the lake and the beach most every day. The kids even got to go to the arcade at the casino- they loved it! We had fun and came here yesterday. I don't understand why, I thought I was happy in Tahoe, but as soon as we got out of the car here, I felt elated! It is like everything just clicked into focus and I remembered everything I wanted to do, what needs to be done, and I felt so lighthearted and happy!
Last night we saw Megan's family and got to meet their newest addition, Maya. She is beautiful and so quiet compared to all the other kids. The boys were so sweet to her; they just melt my heart when they take such good care of little ones. I saw my grandma and - finally- told her about the surrogacy. As I knew deep down she would be, she was fine and didn't die of a stroke! I feel so much peace now that she knows, I didn't realize how much it bothered me not to tell her.
We are looking forward to a great week here, the kids getting to visit with our family and friends, and I am looking forward to these durn babies moving!!!
I will have pictures soon- of our fabulous trip and my rockin' baby bump!
I still can't believe that we are four months pregnant already- it is going by so fast now...
Profound thoughts on life: Whoever said you can't go home again was wrong. I come home again every summer. It feels like home every time. And it fills me with a peace and joy I know nowhere else. So, you can go home again. Or, at least I can...

14 weeks and counting

2009-07-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

This week is going much better than last week. I think knowing that I will get to see the kids in a few days and that I will be in PG where it isn't over 100 degrees is making me excited!

Fortunately, I have been feeling good for the most part this week.

The bad: I still get headaches off and on, but they haven't been bad enough lately to warrant taking medicine. I am really tired in the mornings and have to sit down between things like brush teeth, sit down and brush hair, makeup, sit down and rest, get dressed, sit down and rest. Then, mid morning I have been feeling nauseated. I seem to have energy in the afternoon, and then crash by dinner time. My guts are still a mess and I hate eating out. Home cooked food makes my tummy so much happier.

The good: I have a little baby bump now! The twins are each the size of a lemon this week and they can make faces, have fingerprints, and their bodies are catching up in proportion to their heads. I have been buying maternity clothes as my regular clothes are becoming uncomfortable at this point. I am still small enough that some people don't notice, but some do. I can't exactly feel the babies moving, but I can tell when they are moving around because everything inside seems to shift around and the pressure changes.

The humorous: I have to pee sooo often! I can go an hour and a half or so, but then I will go like three times in the next hour. I have no idea how I will survive the plane and car trips I will soon be taking! Also, one of my friends told her neighbor that I was pregnant and I said, "don't worry, it's not mine." Oh, the look on his face was hilarious. Some people get it and it is simple, but some people don't get it at all. I think I am erring on the side of not explaining- way too much for most people to deal with.

The Doctor: I had my monthly ob visit on Monday. I got to hear both heartbeats- one at 150 and one at 160. The cool thing was that the nurse found the heartbeats right where I thought each baby was. One is right in the middle, and one is over on the right. This really makes me feel more confident about my ability to understand and read what is going on in my body.

I have been really worried about not gaining weight, but I gained 2 pounds! Doctor was happy. He said I am very "entertaining". I am not sure why... maybe my strange sense of humor?... my sarcasm?... Either way, he leaves laughing every time and tells me I am doing great- which is all I want to know anyway.

Profound thought for the day: I have told my IPs that I want to have a picture up of them and their son in our home so that the kids and I remember why we are doing this. I was thinking about this this morning, and realized that there was a different picture I needed to put up to remind us why we are doing this. And I already have. They are the pictures of my kids. My blessings.

So, everything is going great. I get my kids in a few days, I am feeling better **hoping and praying** that I won't be the vacation party-pooper, and we are headed to the beach. My kids, me, and the beach... perfection.

I think I am cranky

2009-06-21T19:45:00.001-07:00

My students laugh at me because I try to be cheerful and positive. One of my boys takes his hands in a welcoming, circling gesture and, in his best imitation of me, says, "this is a happy place" to show that I am happy, or I am a dork, or something like that. It doesn't look very cute here in print, and probably doesn't make any sense, but it actually makes me happy to know that they realize that I want happiness in my life and for everyone to have somewhere that makes them feel happy.
As I sit here in my house, it is completely silent except for the sound of my fingers on the keyboard. I think about how, for me, happiness is not a place, it is the people I love. It really doesn't matter where I am, as long as I am with the people that make any place a "happy place."
With that in mind, I have decided that I am probably cranky now that I am completely alone!
Jason and I just returned today from our weeklong trip to South Padre, San Antonio, Marble Falls, and Austin. It was a great trip, relaxing on the beach, apartment hunting with my sister, taking a boat on the Riverwalk, floating on the lake and reading books, and getting to visit friends in Austin. He has gone home, and I am alone- I used to like this, now, it just seems quiet.
As far as the surrogacy goes, this has been an odd week! I spent 7 days (from Thursday to Thursday) with headaches that made me hurt and eventually made me nauseated. I finally called the doctor and got a pill to take that is safe for pregnancy and effective. Yay- no more headaches! Hopefully I remember this next time I have a problem instead of suffering! The other bummer is that I can't eat fried food, spicy (even mildly) food, greasy food, and I can only eat if I eat at the exact right time, or I won't be hungry. I don't think my kids ever caused this much disruption of my digestive system.
The entertaining news is that my chest has grown- enough that my 5 year old even noticed. Braden said, "Mom, your boobs are taller" when he came in and I was still laying in bed one morning a couple weeks ago. My belly is still small, but it is definitely there. I am pretty sure I was nowhere near showing yet with my other pregnancies. I finally gave in and went into Gap Maternity and bought a few pairs of shorts. Maternity clothes have come a long way from when I was last pregnant. Instead of a huge balloon to go over your entire belly, there is just a stretchy band a few inches wide- who knew? The pants are great, they don't fall down even though I am still tiny, but (in theory) will stretch to accomodate my soon-to-be gigantic belly.

The kids are on vacation with their Nana. I miss them so very much. They have only been gone a week, but knowing they will be gone for two more weeks just makes me so sad. It is not in a mother's heart to be without her children this long. The only joy I feel from this agony is the joy that I will have them again soon. And then maybe it will be a while before they drive me bonkers again...lol...
And for Father's Day/my profound thoughts on life: I am so grateful to have a father who loves me and has taken care of me and supported me no matter what my entire life. I am so grateful to have a stepfather who loves me and has helped me grow up to be independent. I have thought today of them, and of my grandpa, and of Alfred, the father of one of my dear friends who recently passed away, and I am comforted in knowing that it is not sad that they are missed, it is because they are missed that they will be remembered, and because they will be remembered, they will live forever in those whose lives they shaped. The power of a father's influence is great and never ends.

On an amazing journey

2009-06-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

I sat down a bit ago and decided to read through my blog. I actually teared up looking at our journey so far. All the frustrations, the minor setbacks, and the roller coaster of my life have not prevented us from getting to this point.

We will be 12 weeks pregnant on Sunday! I can't believe we are here finishing the first trimester already. There isn't much going on since my last post, other than that I will be out of town on Sunday and wanted to share my excitement about being in the 2nd trimester and off the last "drug" for IVF. I will just be a "normal" pregnant lady in a few days- well, as normal as a twin pregnancy allows you to be.

I guess it will be time to tell the people I haven't told yet...

And, I wanted to try to post a picture of my belly, so here goes:

Okay, so it didn't work. I am going to figure this out and be back!

I think it worked... SMILE!

And I feel great today!

2009-06-10T16:30:00.001-07:00

Well, things seem to be on an upswing. I have felt like a normal human being for the last two days. Yay me! I have actually stayed awake all day, not taken tylenol for a headache, not been in bed sick, and not wanted to cry. That doesn't mean I have accomplished too much though. The house is still a mess, but the kids and I have been out and about doing things.
Triston is having a blast at Cub Scout Camp and comes home every day excited to tell me about what he did that day. Today they went on waterslides (cool ones that they had to climb up), they have shot beebee guns, bow and arrows, and made monkey bread among other things. Katie and Braden and I did the summer clothes shopping today with Grandma and cousin Asia and Aunt Julie along. Grandma bought us pretzel sandwiches- oh, they are so good! Then, we all went swimming at the city pool. I love swimming in the summer, it is the only activity where we live that is actually nice to do outside.
The twins seem to be doing great. I am off of all the insertables and only have to take the baby aspirin through Sunday. I have been released to my ob/gyn, so no more clinic or driving to Houston anymore. All I have for the time being is my monthly ob visit, which is great. The only downside is that I don't get more ultrasounds to see the twins. I am very glad though that this pregnancy is so low-risk that my doctor is treating it just like all my other pregnancies. I am sure that will change at some point, but, as I have heard people say, a boring pregnancy is a good pregnancy. So, the surrogacy is going great and I am hoping to visit with my IPs next weekend so they can see the baby bump :)
The kids are leaving on Saturday to go to visit their Nana and spend time with their dad. I am already dreading the thought of them leaving. I enjoy the first few days, survive the first 10 or so, but by that third week, I am always a mess. I don't think it is part of a mother's soul to be away from her children for so long and I already hurt knowing how difficult it is. I am trying to stay busy though. Jason and I are going on a road trip next week to get my niece and sister down to their new home and take my first trip to South Padre. It will be great to be on the beach!!!
I continue to be amazed at the blessings I have. Even though my kids will be gone for three weeks, I will get them back. Even though I won't see their faces, I will be able to hear their voices. Even though I won't hold their hands, I will be able to feel their love. I can't imagine life without them, and I realize again and again that this is exactly the joy/the pain/ the beauty that we are helping to create for the twins' family.

We are ten weeks along!

2009-06-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am so excited with my latest surrogacy news. I am no longer taking the PIO (progesterone in oil)- otherwise known as the evil butt-shot. We added it up the other night, and between the Lupron and the PIO, I have given myself over 90 shots in the last three months!!!!
My butt is in the healing process now and it is so very nice to see the bruises and lumps healing. I am hoping it will quit hurting within the next week or so.
Friday was the last day of school, the last day of shots, and the last day of my estrogen insertable. What a rewarding day! I am now only using the progesterone insertable, what a relief. I went in for lab work this morning (another thing I am tired of) and hopefully I will get high progesterone levels and start weaning off of this too. In theory, I should be off the insertables by week 11, which is next week. At week 12, I should be solely under the care of my ob and be able to stop taking the baby aspirin too. What will I even do with myself with only a vitamin to take every day?
As far as the morning sickness, it seems to be abating finally. I was really sick on Friday and Saturday with some kind of horrible headache that eventually caused vomiting as well. Ever since then, I haven't felt too nauseated. I am tired though, and even doing laundry or the dishes seems to be pretty daunting.
In fun news, I have a little baby bump now. It is not very noticeable, but I notice it and my kids do too. Katie laughed at me when we went swimming yesterday because she can see it. The boys have started talking, well yelling, to the babies too!
I found out my sister is due with her second child three weeks before the surro twins are born, so that will be an adventure. I have always wanted to be pregnant with a friend or sibling, and now I get to! I think it will be especially wonderful to have a baby around to love on once I send the twins home with C and A.
I am feeling much more confident about the babies' health now. I guess since I can visibly "see" how much they are growing I feel that they are in good and snug. I go to the ob again on Thursday for all the "normal" ob first visit stuff. Joy of joys. I don't think we will be getting anymore ultrasounds for awhile, which is a bummer.
I feel so different with this pregnancy than with the others. I guess with this one, I am focused on being pregnant and taking good care of C and A's babies. I am not focused on once they are here, or taking care of newborns. There are so many things about this that I like. I love these babies and care about them very, very much. But it is not the overwhelming feeling I felt with my own. I don't know how to adequately describe it, but I know that it is meant to be this way. Their mother already has these feelings for them and is so excited about "her little tadpoles"!
In "regular life", I have two weeks with the kids before they go with their dad for three weeks, so we are going to go swimming and to grandma's house, as well as get all the doctor's appointments and stuff out of the way. I love summer. I am so excited that I get to enjoy the second trimester in two short weeks and that I will be able to share it with my children. I love the peace we are able to find when we have no work or school to hurry us along each day. I keep trying to remind myself when I am tired or frustrated that I have the life I want. I am doing what I want with the people that I want to be with. Life is such a blessing. I am going to go enjoy it, along with the laundry, now...

Holy cow!

2009-05-20T16:10:00.001-07:00

Apparently I don't blog very often. We have been so busy with school winding down, the boys' baseball games, and everything else that I don't seem to have much time!
We had our first ultrasound on May 7. IM and I were there together, awaiting the "revelation" of one or two or none, and... there were TWO!!!!
After that moment, I lost all logical thought and I don't think another coherent thought went through my mind for the rest of the day!
I have spent the last two weeks so worried that we would end up with a "vanishing twin" or that the baby or babies would die and I would just be carrying around dead tissue (gross I know, but it has been my fear). Also, in the last two weeks, I have experienced the joyous/awful feeling of morning, afternoon, and night sickness along with plenty of exhaustion. It is joyous because I that is how I know the babies are growing. It is awful because it doesn't feel good. In addition, I have stopped almost all of the estrogen. For the first time in about two months, I don't have four little sticky patches stuck all over my abdomen- my skin is so happy!
Today, we had a repeat ultrasound here with my ob/gyn. IPs couldn't come, so I brought my mom with me. Both little babies have strong heartbeats and are growing right on track. Baby A is still measuring 2 days ahead of Baby B. I am very happy that they are thriving and can't wait to see them again in a few weeks.
We are off to Boy Scouts for T, visiting grandma's chickens for B, and missing K who is having a sleepover with a friend so her friend's mom can have the joy of dropping them off at school at 6:00 am for a super fun field trip to Moody Gardens.
Hopefully I will be back sooner rather than later,
Emily

BFP and BETA

2009-04-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

In surrogacy talk, these are two phrases that linger in our minds when we know that we are "supposed" to be pregnant. A few days after transfer, I started peeing on a stick every morning as part of my morning routinie. Ridiculous I know, but all too tempting. I know some ladies pee multiple times a day. That, I think, is too expensive and time consuming.
On day four after transfer (4dp5dt = 4 days past a 5 day (how many days since fertilization) transfer) I had a super, super faint positive. They kept getting darker, and darker, until I sent C and A a picture of one on day 7.

Then, last Saturday, I sent them a picture of the digital, "pregnant". It was so exciting! All of our efforts, time, pain, and suffering had worked. But, there is always a chance that it isn't viable, and that is where the pregnancy test comes in.

In IVF land/surrospeak, and apparently the medical community, a Beta is a number given to the exact level of HcG in a pregnancy test. High numbers are good, and numbers are supposed to double or triple every two days. So, on Monday, April 20, I went in for Beta number 1.
Beta number 1: 270- this is very solid and good.
On Wednesday, April 22, I went in for Beta number 2.
Beta number 2: 550- this is very nice. It more than doubled!

Good news- I am very pregnant!
Now, I just have to wait until May 7 for my ultrasound to see if there is one little bean or two little beans baking in my belly.
C and A are happy. They laugh every time I talk to them and I can feel the joy through the phone- it is that real.
Now, I feel like crap and am nauseated all day. The shots I give myself in my butt have created raised red marks, bruises, and huge knots under my skin. They get worse every day and I still have 4 1/2 weeks left of them. These are the downside. They upside: We are on the way!
I will be 5 weeks pregnant on Sunday. BIG SMILE! Only 35 weeks until I make N a big brother!!!

And we shot them in!!!

2009-04-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

Transfer weekend was so incredible. Jason and I went down to Houston the night before so I wouldn't have to have the stress of the long (3 hour) drive to the clinic Friday morning. Luckily, we had no school that day and the kids' dad ended up being in town so he could take them for the weekend.
We went out to breakfast Friday morning with Angela (Jason's mom) and then began the transfer journey...
I had to drink an entire water bottle (20 oz) on the way there so my bladder would be full. Well, we got there and my lovely IPs were there. They were so nervous and excited, my heart was just so nervous for them! I had my labwork (yes, they sucked more blood) done, then we met with Dr. H, who went over the state of each embryo/blastocyst. Two were fully developed blastocysts that were rated at the highest rating possible. These are the two he chose to transfer. I drank more water to get my valium down- I was so excited for the valium!!! Sadly, I overfilled my bladder and the valium didn't kick in, so I went into transfer in abject misery.
The transfer itself was not painful; however, the lack of valium, the overfull bladder, the speculum pushing on the overfull bladder from below, and the ultrasound pushing (not so gently) on it from above, drove me to the point of actual pain. I was so, I mean completely, terrified that I would pee all over the good doctor. I think that he, the nurses, and my IPs thought I was joking. About midway through the procedure, I think I was actually begging them to "suck some of the pee out". I think they realized my pain then....
On a serious and beautiful note, the transfer itself was awesome. My IPs sat behind me (Heaven forbid they see my girl parts!), the nurse smashed my bladder from the side, and the poor doctor sat in the seat of honor! They insert this long tube, this man walks in with an incubator-but-cooler looking thing, and from it he did something I was in too much misery to notice. Then, as I am focusing all my power on the ultrasound monitor, I see this little blast shoot into my uterus. And again. The pain left in that moment as I could see this little burst of future-children shooting into my womb. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen.
Somehow, through the pain, I could focus completely on that monitor. I saw this miracle occur inside of me, and I was so awed and humble, that for a moment, nothing else existed.
Then, they were done, the embryos were both in, and they let me pee!!!! I peed right past the catheter bag, into the whatever they had under it, and on my gown. I have never had so much pee in me before. (I know this is gross, but it is just the truth!).
Afterwards, I laid there in the "recovery room" with my IPs and C went to get Jason so he could hang out with us for the hour I had to lay still. I was perfectly happy with my empty bladder, but sadly, the valium never really did anything for me.
For brevity's sake, we spent the rest of Friday through Sunday morning with my IPs in a hotel. They fed me, helped me with my meds, A got to give me a shot in the butt!, and we truly got to visit and just get to know each other. It was a wonderful weekend. I would not trade it for anything in the world. They loved being able to watch the transfer and have a pictue of the babies blasting in there.
After transfer weekend, I am more sure than ever that helping C and A create a family is what I need to do. I am so excited for them and can't wait to see if we are pregnant!!!!

Hello, where have I been?

2009-04-24T17:21:00.001-07:00

Life has been so incredibly busy lately. I haven't had time to open mail, reply to emails, or sit down. Seriously, one of my students gave me a movie to watch over Spring Break- which was about 4 (oh, heavens, maybe 5) weeks ago. I haven't even gotten it into the living room yet! I really want to have separate posts for each stage of my surrogacy so I can write a decent amount and not turn it into the longest blog ever. So, I am going to start with transfer weekend- since that is where I left off...

It Is Tomorrow!

2009-04-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

So, life has been completely crazy lately; I haven't even looked to see when I last wrote since I am about to leave again.
The One-Act Play went well, my students did a fantastic job, we didn't advance in competition, but are still hoping to do it for the school.
Triston and Braden are doing baseball and T-ball respectively now. It is completely time consuming and we go to about 4 or 5 games a week. Then practice. The only days we aren't baseball-ing are Sunday and Wednesday, and Wednesday is church and Sunday is church, so we have been running constantly.
In super fabulous wonderful blessed news, we are transfering tomorrow!!!!!! The egg donor apparently had a really hard time reacting to the meds, so the cycle just kept getting pushed back two days, two more days, two more days, until last Sunday when they finally were able to do the egg retrieval. They were able to get 16 eggs, and 10 fertilized, which was wonderful. I was able to meet and have lunch with the egg donor, and she is such a wonderful and sweet lady who is doing her best to help her cousin out!
The 10 little embies (embryos) were looking very strong on Wednesday, so we will do a 5 day transfer tomorrow at 12:15 pm. It is finally the moment we have been waiting for.
I have been feeling like a drug addict lately. Not only have I been taking my baby aspirin and vitamin every day, but I have been taking a steroid pill every night and an antibiotic four times a day since Sunday. That is finally over! I am used to the sticky estrogen patches by now, I don't think there are any little hairs left on my abdomen to pull off, but somehow there always are!
The worst thing I have done so far is the PIO (progesterone in oil). I take a 1 inch needle full of 1 cc of sesame oil (imagine the oil you use to cook with- looks and feels exactly the same), pierce my poor butt-flesh, and squirt it into my muscle. I was so scared the first time I started shaking and had to have someone else do it! At this point, the shot itself is nothing, but my butt is soooo sore. It feels like I worked out really hard, never goes away, hurts if I sit too long, stand too long, lay down on it, and I have huge knots already. The joyous part of this is that I have to do it until 9 weeks of pregnancy (or longer I think).
Aside from all of this medical nonsense, we will be transfering tomorrow!!! (Did I say that already?) Then C and A (the fabulous parents) and I will be staying at a hotel for the two days I am on bedrest. I am glad it has ended up being this weekend because now Jason will be able to go down with me, do the driving, and otherwise deal with everything for me.
Our IVF nurse says that they will have "two beauties" to transfer to me- so I am beaming with anticipation and joy. I am so excited to begin this journey with them and help them to become parents.
I have been so emotional lately (I am sure all the pregnancy inducing drugs) and when I look at my kids, I can't imagine someone not being able to have that same fullness of joy. I hope to have joyful tidings soon. As far as I understand thus far, we will be taking the official pregnancy test a week from Sunday- April 19.
I can't wait for the BFP (big fat positive)!!!!
Wish me sticky vibes tomorrow.

So close, yet not close enough

2009-03-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

Today has been a wonderful, wonderful day. I say this because for the first time all week, I feel like I have everything done that needs to be done. That doesn't mean I don't have tons to do, but I feel in control finally. I don't know if it is the hormones I am on, or if life is just very complicated right now, but I have been so overwhelmed every day this week. Until today...
The play is good to go, I have a pair of shoes to buy and a costume to pick up, and two rehearsals to go, and then we will be off... It doesn't feel like the play has all come together yet, but it always seems to right at the tippy end. It is amazing how the kids all of a sudden figure out what their character should be like when it comes down to the wire!
As far as the surrogacy project goes, everything is right on track. I am drugged up on my lupron, estrogen, vitamins, aspirin and will soon begin taking a new round of antibiotics and progesterone in oil (very evil butt shots), but then I will get to go off the lupron shots. I am trading shots for more shots, but at least the progesterone indicates the baby will be there within days! We are planning to transfer next weekend, but are still unsure of the date. The ED won't be triggering this weekend, so I think next Friday is ruled out. That leaves some time between Saturday and Monday I think, I don't really know though and nobody seems to tell me until the last minute. It is amazing how much is left unknown until the last minute. I also wish that there was some kind of explanation of the whole process that I could have read before I started this thing. It wouldn't change my decision to do it, but I would feel more prepared. I am sooo excited for transfer, I can't wait to get this journey going (well, the fun part. Shots and weenie wands are not very interesting).
As far as the kids go, we have had a wild week. I don't know what happened to them, but they are bouncing off the walls, not going to sleep, and being noisier than ever. I think we will go to the park- despite the rain- and run, run, run! Just kidding... maybe...
Well, children call. Hopefully I will be back soon with a TRANSFER DATE!!!!!

Finally!

2009-03-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

I am so happy today. I found out yesterday that the egg donor's cyst is gone and we are proceeding with our cycle. Wahoo! I went down for my first visit this cycle and everything looks great. I have been on lupron (an insulin type shot that shoots hormone blocking drugs into my body) for 4 weeks and have just doubled up my estrogen patches, so I will be insanely hormone-filled by morning. We are TWO WEEKS to transfer and counting. I am excited and nervous and anxious for my IPs (intended parents).
I was thinking this week that I met them in November and we decided to work together then. If I had decided to have my own pregnancy in November, I would be 4 or 5 months pregnant already. That just seemed to boggle my mind.
I am also very touched by my IM (Intended mother). She sent an email today saying that she wanted me to meet the egg donor who is her very dear cousin. I had hoped to see a picture, but now I will actually get to meet her. It touches my heart that she wants me to meet someone so dear to her, and that she sees us as all working together to bring them a child. I am so full of joy to be helping bring my IPs another child. I feel like my soul is just radiating light every time I think of their joy.
On to super fun (uh, hum) things. My (I mean, my school's) play goes to competition on 3/31. Yeah, it is in like 10 days, and I am soooo not ready. With planning the surro project, the kids, and just keeping my classes going, I somehow totally missed how soon the play performance will be here. My actors/students are wonderful though and are finally starting to pull it all together. I am sure it will be great.
My dad just left after visiting for a week. It was so lovely. I feel like he and the children were really able to do some good bonding, and he helped out with so much at the house. He even helped me get some new couches- black leather. A vast improvement from the old hand-me down couch with room for 3. We can all sit down together in the living room now. Thank heaven for small favors!
Life is good.

Grr!

2009-03-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

So, I know I am crazy impatient and I am trying to work on it. But seriously, I waited so patiently to get a calendar (for the surro transfer), worked out a schedule with work and the kids, and have been doing everything I am supposed to for two and a half weeks. Every night, I use my blue highlighter and cross off each day. Every night, I count how much longer we have until transfer. Totally anal, but it makes me happy.
And then, today, I get home from work and there is an email saying that the cycle has been pushed back a week. Aaahhhh! I cannot handle this. Worse than a phone call where I can ask questions and get new dates set in my head, it is an email that I cannot respond to. I have to wait all the way until tomorrow to figure out if the IVF nurse meant we are exactly one week later, or into the next week which will be like two weeks later. I also don't know if my appointment on Friday is a go or if it is cancelled!
I know these are ridiculous worries, and in the grand scheme of things it is much better to wait until everything is perfect before proceeding, but I hate it when my schedule is totally obliterated. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me that I do not actually control the schedule.
I will be fine and patient, but it is so frustrating because I am so excited for the transfer to be here!
I also don't love the hot flashes, headaches, tiredness, and overall crazy feeling that the drugs are giving me (not all at the same time, but still there)! I want so badly to reach our goal of giving C and A a beautiful baby.
I feel better now that I have vented this all out. Hopefully tomorrow I will get new dates, but I guess we may just be on hold until we find out if the evil little cyst the egg donor has is going away or still rearing its ugly little head.
I will try to remember how blessed I am that I did not have to go through all this boloney to have my babies and know that the mild irritation this causes now will be forgotten soon when we have healthy little embies growing.
I am going to work on my patience now.

Life is a crazy thing

2009-03-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

Life is so busy. It seems I am running non-stop between work, play practice, t-ball, baseball, church activities, and keeping the kids involved with their friends. It seems though, that the busier I get, the happier I am. I love to do things for my kids. I sewed some patches on Triston's cub scout shirt last night, and despite the many pokes to my fingers, I was so happy. I love serving my children and helping them become better and stronger people.
I was talking to my dad a few nights ago, and it seems we have both had the same epiphany. The quote, "life is not a destination; it is a journey" basically sums it up. My dad said that he tries to do things every day that make him happy. If he feels like spending time with the grandkids, he buys a ticket to come out. He doesn't say, "oh, I will have to plan a trip." In the same vein, I have realized that waiting to achieve the goal of buying a house, or making it to summer vacation are not going to make me happy. I have found that happiness is found in the moments. They can be stolen moments in the middle of a busy day or precious moments snuggling my kids into bed. My mom always told me that I choose my life every day, and if I don't like it, change it. Today, I know that I would not change it. And that makes my heart full to bursting.
I think about my life and I am so blessed. I am so happy and have so many opportunities for joy. Even every other weekend without the children is a blessing because it makes me realize how empty my life is without them. I see that even though it is peaceful, it is not what I want.

On a super exciting note, my aunt and uncle became the proud parents of twins yesterday!!! I have new first cousins- Carson and Gracie. I never thought my uncle would become a father, and I am so glad that he has. He and his lovely wife are the reason I began to look into surrogacy, and now, a year later, they have their beautiful miracle babies in their arms.

My surrogacy journey is motoring right along. I am taking my meds like I have been directed and am just counting down until transfer day. Three weeks from yesterday!!! Well, really, it could be three weeks from Sunday- we will see. I have the greatest feeling about this surrogacy. My heart is so full of excitement for this journey. I feel like it will be so good for my family to learn and grow through this.

The people I love

2009-02-24T16:10:00.000-08:00

I realize that I have the greatest gift in the world. I have a very large and ever growing family. I have the security of knowing that I will never walk alone and that my children will never walk alone if/when I am gone one day.
Even better, I have a family that loves me and supports me no matter what I do, no matter what dumb mistakes I have made (over, and over, and over). So, it seems only logical that they will support me in this journey to give a dear boy a sibling.
Which makes me wonder why I am so afraid to tell them. I think I have had so many negative reactions when I have brought up the subject of surrogacy that I am afraid to tell anyone. I have blurted it out right out of the blue and nearly caused a car accident (sorry Dad!). I have explained it carefully and from the beginning (I would like to talk to you about something very important). I have brought it up in a casual conversation (Speaking of...).
It doesn't seem to matter how I bring it up, very few people seem to support it. Well, that is not exactly true. What I have noticed is that people seem to support surrogacy in general and like to say how it is a beautiful gift. BUT, they don't actually want their child/sister/friend to do it.
Is it out of concern for my health? My sanity? My children? Do they know that this child is not related to me in any way? Do they know the pain in the eyes of the woman who can not bear her own child? Do they know of the joy I feel when I have a child growing inside me? Do they know that I feel so good and right about doing this? Do they know that I have never felt more strongly about anything as I do about doing this?
I hope and pray that these people I love will support me in this choice. I hope that I handle myself well. I hope that they see the love in my heart. Obviously, they know I am strong-willed and will carry on anyways, but it is not to be stubborn; it is to follow the calling of my heart.
This is my life. It was given to me to live the best way I can. My heart is full of the joy and hope I see and feel from my children every day. And this choice, as all the choices I make are, is made for us.

I am on drugs!

2009-02-24T16:01:00.000-08:00

So, I have been trying to write on my blog for several days. I have my calendar, my drugs came on Monday, and I took my first ever self-injected shot last night!
I was so terrified to stab myself with a needle, but Braden came in with me to give me moral support (and to keep him from tormenting his siblings!) We sat down, prepared the syringe, stared at my leg, and presto, I did it.
I feel like we are finally making progress in this journey now that I am actually doing something to physically prepare for it. There is so much work to be done to create a child using IVF; I realize how truly blessed I was to have my own children so easily.
In other exciting news, I have received a webcam from my fabulous IPs so that we can visit and chat while actually looking at each other. Our goal with this is mostly so that the children will be able to see each other and that mine will get to know the family we are helping to grow.
My thoughts have been so full and jumbled lately as I begin this journey.
I have realized that life is the greatest paradox of them all. Life is so strong and yet so fragile. It is amazing that a life can form from such small, easily destructable parts, only to grow and thrive and become a strong and vigorous child. What is even more amazing to me is the strength of the human spirit. No matter what the odds are, no matter how great the mountain, with the inspiration of God and the amazing human mind, we have found a way to scale the most distant ridges and arrive at the top of the world- able to see our dreams realized and our hopes alive.
Life is a gift- cherish it!

Exciting news today!

2009-02-17T19:04:00.000-08:00

We signed the gestational agreement (otherwise known as a contract) today. We have been working on it since before Christmas, so I am so happy to have it complete. Also, the ED (egg donor) is ready to start her meds on Wednesday. Yay! I am not a hundred percent sure what this means for me, other than that I think I should be starting my meds soon and get this cycle underway.
It is hard to believe that a year ago I was just beginning to think about becoming a surrogate for my aunt and uncle, and they are now expecting twins in the next few weeks. My heart is so full of joy for them.
Now, here I am, about to begin a journey to help another family grow. I am so full of joy and anticipation, my impatience is at an all time high. The children saw pictures of little N, the little boy that we are going to make a big brother. The children have decided that everyone should have a little sibling, and now they can be part of making that dream come true!
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot help but bring it to themselves" James Barrie

New beginnings

2009-02-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

Long ago, I decided to start a blog. I came in here and set it up, but somewhere along the way, I forgot about it. Today, I decided to find it and actually begin to use it. It was missing; so now I will start this new blog.
I feel like my life has started anew in the last year. The divorce, the move, the boyfriend, and now this upcoming surrogacy journey. I know so many people who have been through the first three changes, but I don't know anyone has been through a surrogacy journey. I know that there are other surrogates out there keeping blogs, but I want to keep one so the people who I know will be able to see this journey as it progresses.
I am so excited about all that is happening in my life right now. The chaos is part of me, without it, I feel empty and sad.
Life is a journey, it is not a destination. I am just holding on tight and enjoying the ride!